Dealing With Divorce
1 Corinthians
7:10-16 "Dealing with Divorce"
July 30th, 2000
By Pastor Dan Erickson
Please visit
Pastor
Dan's Sermon Index at the Chisholm 1st Baptist Church website
Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "I
read where one wife plans to divorce her husband as soon as she can find a way
to do so without making him happy." Friends, Arnold may have read that, but
in real life, divorce is no joke. It seldom brings happiness to anyone. Most of
us are aware of the devastating effects that divorce has upon children. It is
not good for kids to see their father or mother, at best, every other weekend.
Studies continue to show that low grades in school, drug abuse, criminal
activity and other negative behaviors are far more common among children whose
parents have been divorced than among those whose parents remain married. A
recent study found that the loneliest group of adults consists of men whose
parents were divorced before they (the men) were six years old. Divorce doesn't
make children happy. Adults experience great pain in divorce too. Though it is
seldom the fault of only one party, one spouse usually ends up feeling abandoned
and rejected and bears those scars for years. Sometimes the spouse who initiated
the breakup also has regrets as a new marriage doesn't turn out as well as
expected, and the children blame him or her for destroying the family.
Another place where divorce causes
great harm is in the church. When a marriage breaks up, there can be conflict in
a church as people inevitably side with one partner or the other. There is
controversy within churches on how to deal with people who are divorced. There
is one Baptist General Conference church in Wisconsin which had a terrible split
because the pastor believed that someone who had been divorced should not be
allowed to serve in any capacity in the church. Other times folks have become
very upset when a pastor refuses to perform a wedding ceremony for an individual
who has been married before. People who have gone through a divorce sometimes
choose not to attend church because they are afraid of how they will be treated.
Many churches and individual Christians have a hard time knowing how to respond
to divorce.
We as Christians need to develop a
clear understanding of what the Bible teaches on this topic. In dealing with
this issue, it seems that people are prone to make one of two mistakes. The
first is to ignore what the Bible teaches. There are some folks who claim the
biblical attitude toward divorce is too harsh, and that we need to develop more
compassionate guidelines to deal with these situations. I think that is silly.
If we are not going to listen to what the Bible says about divorce, we really
don't believe in the authority of Scripture. If we reject the Bible as God's
Word for us, we are in a religious and moral wasteland with no way of knowing
what is true, right or good. Even though the New Testament was written almost
2000 years ago, it continues to provide the moral standard by which Christians
are to live, and we need to be willing to follow its guidelines on divorce. The
second mistake I see Christians making is to oversimplify and distort the
biblical teaching. I know some Christians who say, "God hates divorce. No
one should ever get divorced. If you do divorce, you must never remarry. End of
discussion." This morning you will learn that I don't believe that is what
the Bible teaches. Now, I don't expect everyone to agree with my interpretation.
I have argued with some of my best friends on this issue, but I do think we as
Christians need to take time to carefully look at what the Bible says and make
sure we are not distorting God's Word on this important subject.
What we are going to do today is
look at 1 Corinthians 7:10-16. Though there are other texts which deal with
divorce, I believe this passage accurately sums up the main points of what God
says in His Word on this topic. Since our journey through 1 Corinthians has
brought us to these verses, it seems like a good time to tackle what is a tough
issue. Before we do that, let's pause and pray that God would help us understand
and apply His Word today.
What we are going to do is note the
main points that God makes through the Apostle Paul, and then talk about
practical applications of what is taught here. I would summarize this passage in
two main points. 1) Divorce is not a good thing. A Christian should not divorce
his or her spouse. 7:10a To the married I give this command (not I, but the
Lord):.. What Paul says is something which Jesus Himself taught while He was
on earth, in Matthew 5:31,32 and other texts. 7:10b A wife must not separate
from her husband. For some reason Paul starts with a wife leaving her
husband, which was not very common in his day, and at the end of Verse 11 he
adds, "And a husband must not divorce his wife." It goes both ways. He
does give one qualification. 7:11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried
or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
There is no reason to think that this doesn't apply to both husbands and wives
as well. What he's describing here is somewhat like what we call a legal
separation. A wife is no longer with her husband, but she is not free to marry
someone else. Her options are to stay single or go back with her husband. It is
difficult to guess what type of situation Paul is thinking about here. Perhaps
it could be an abusive relationship of some type. Whatever the case, separation
is permitted, but not divorce.
Paul then addresses a particular
situation. 7:12a To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord):... Again, Paul
does not mean his words are not inspired by God's Spirit, he simply is saying
that Jesus did not address this topic while on earth. 7:12b,13 If any brother
has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must
not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is
willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. Paul realized that a
marriage between a Christian and someone who is not a believer would not be an
easy situation. When one partner is committed to honoring the Lord and the other
is not, there is probably going to be conflict. But, even in these situations it
is not appropriate for a Christian to divorce his/her spouse. I'm sure some of
these folks could give pious-sounding reasons why it would be good for them to
divorce and get a new partner who shared their faith in Jesus, but Paul says no,
divorce is not good. He then addresses a concern that some folks apparently had
about a mixed marriage between a Christian and a nonbeliever. 7:14 For the
unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving
wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children
would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. Is not a family, where only
one partner is a Christian, dishonoring to God? No. The Christian husband or
wife has a sanctifying effect on both the other spouse and on the children. This
doesn't mean that these people automatically become Christians, get to go to
heaven, or anything like that. It simply means that God will not withhold His
blessing from a family just because only one of the marriage partners is a
Christian. Thus, there is no reason for a Christian to divorce a nonbelieving
spouse.
Divorce is not a good thing. 2) It
is sometimes permitted, however. Listen carefully. 7:15 But if the unbeliever
leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such
circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. Paul has just said that a
Christian should not initiate a divorce. If, however, you have a nonbelieving
spouse who wants out of the marriage, you should not fight it. Trying to force
the other person to stay married is just asking for conflict. But, someone might
ask, "Isn't it my job to try to lead my spouse to faith in Christ if he or
she is not a Christian? Am I not failing in my responsibility to just let him or
her out of the marriage?" Paul says no. 7:16 How do you know, wife,
whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you
will save your wife? The big question in these verses, however, is: What
does Paul mean in Verse 15 when he says, "A believing man or woman is not
bound in such circumstances."? I, and many biblical commentaries, would say
that this means the Christian whose spouse has left is now free to remarry. He
or she is no longer bound to the marriage vows. Listen to what Paul says in 7:39
A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies,
she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. Now,
there are two different Greek words translated "bound" in these
verses, but I think Paul is referring to the same thing. A widow or widower, and
a person whose spouse has left and wants nothing to do with the marriage, are
both free to remarry. Let me give you a couple of reasons why I think that: 1) I
don't think any other interpretation of the verse makes sense. Some of my
friends claim that "no longer bound" means the Christian partner
doesn't have to keep chasing the spouse around the country trying to persuade
him or her to stay in the marriage. I think that's true, but it is hard for me
to imagine that that would be the point Paul is making. The logical implication
of "not bound" is "free to remarry." 2) I think it seems
unlikely that Paul would insist that someone who has been previously married
would stay single. In this chapter, Paul encourages other single people to marry
so that they are better able to resist sexual temptations. Most folks who have
been previously married probably don't have the gift of celibacy. Thus to me, at
least, it makes sense that Paul would say that these individuals are not bound
by their marriage vows and are free to remarry.
Now, as I mentioned, I have some
close friends, pastors and theologians, who disagree with my interpretation.
They claim that remarriage is never an option for a divorced person until the
first spouse dies. Maybe some of you here may believe that too, and I certainly
respect your stand. I hope you respect my position as well. One friend accused
me of having a "liberal position" on divorce. That's probably one of
the first times I have ever been called a "liberal." I pointed out to
him, however, that my view on divorce is essentially the same as the position
taken by Luther, Calvin, and by all the protestant reformers. I have not come to
my views based on an effort to accommodate divorced people, but out of the
desire to correctly apply what God teaches in His Word to our current situation.
If you disagree with my understanding of this passage, I would love to discuss
that with you. But, please don't make this an issue that will cause division
between you and those who disagree. It is tragic that divorce has not only
caused great pain in the lives of many individuals, but also has become such a
difficult issue for the church to handle. My prayer is that God would give us a
unity in understanding and applying His Word regarding this difficult topic.
OK, I want to spend the rest of the
time exploring how I think the biblical teaching on marriage, divorce and
remarriage works out in practical terms and try to answer some of the questions
that folks sometimes ask me. I am going to pick out four names to use in our
illustrations: Tom, Susan, John and Betty. Any similarities these names have to
any real people is totally coincidental.
Question #1: Is it OK for someone to
remarry if the divorce happened before that person became a Christian? The
answer is: It depends. Let me explain. Let's say that after being married for
three years, Tom and Susan get a divorce. A year later, Tom becomes a Christian,
a believer in Jesus Christ. He also becomes very good friends with Betty who is
also a believer. Is it OK, morally right, for Tom and Betty to get married? It
depends on what has happened with Susan. As a Christian, Tom should go to Susan
and seek to be reconciled with her. Though they may have a piece of paper which
says they are divorced, she is still his wife. If Susan rejects Tom's appeal for
reconciliation then, based upon what Paul has said in our text today, Tom is no
longer bound to his original marriage and is free to pursue this relationship
with Betty and marry her. Also, if Susan has already gotten married to someone
else, then it frees Tom from any duty to seek reconciliation and also frees him
to marry Betty. The key issue is not whether the divorce happened before someone
became a Christian. Rather, the question is this: Is reconciliation with the
original spouse possible? If not, I believe that the divorced person is free to
remarry.
The second question, keeping in mind
what I just said, is: Is the guilty party sometimes free to remarry? I think so.
Let's go back to Tom and Susan. Tom is a real creep. He's had a number of
affairs, and he is just tired of being married, so he files for divorce. Susan
wants to keep their marriage together, but there is nothing she can do; the
divorce is final. Two years later, Tom comes to his senses. He confesses his sin
to the Lord and really wants to make things right. What should he do? Well, he
should ask Susan to forgive him, and if she is still single, he should seek to
be reconciled with her. Remember, however, that I believe Susan clearly has the
right to remarry. So what if, by the time Tom comes to his senses, Susan has
already married John? The Bible is clear, in Deuteronomy, that it would be wrong
for Susan to leave her current spouse, John, to go back to Tom. Tom should not
ask her to do that. So what should he do? Must Tom remain single and chaste for
the rest of his life? I don't think so. Now, I don't have any specific Bible
passage to point to, but I think this is the implication of what Paul teaches
here in 1 Corinthians 7 and also of what Jesus teaches. Tom's marriage to Susan
ended when she married John. She was free to do that because of what Tom had
done. Because his marriage to Susan is over, even though he was a big creep, my
understanding is that Tom is free to remarry.
Question #3: Is there a situation
when it is wrong for a person who is divorced to remarry? Yes, whenever it is
possible to be reconciled to the former spouse, one should not marry someone
else. For Tom to just leave Susan and go marry Betty is clearly wrong. I also
think that if Tom and Susan split up just because they are not getting along, it
would be wrong for either one of them to remarry until it is clear that
reconciliation is not going to happen. Now, of course, when one of them goes off
with someone else, that brings freedom to the other partner. If Tom gets married
to Betty, Susan's marriage to him is over, and she is free to remarry. So what
about Tom's new marriage to Betty? Whether he ran off with her, or married her
when reconciliation with Susan was possible, Tom has sinned. According to what
Jesus teaches, Betty has sinned too. She married Susan's husband. They both need
to confess that sin to the Lord. If they genuinely do, however, God will forgive
them. I believe that God will recognize their marriage as valid. Betty is really
Tom's new wife. It would be wrong for him to leave her and go back to Susan. I
don't think, as some suggest, that Tom and Betty will be living in a perpetual
state of adultery for the next thirty years. How they entered the marriage was
wrong. They need to deal with God about that. But, the marriage they are now a
part of is not necessarily wrong. I believe the Lord calls Tom to love Betty the
way Christ loved the church. And He had better do a better job of that than he
did with Susan. Even if Betty happens to be his fifth or sixth wife, she is
still the wife that God calls him to love today.
#4) Are there reasons a divorced
person should stay single, even if it's morally OK to remarry? Yes, indeed. We
noted last week that Paul preferred that all unmarried people remain single,
because of what he called in Verse 26 "the present crisis," which we
said was probably a famine. Dr. Laura says that a divorced parent should remain
single as long as the children are at home, because he or she does not have time
to be dating and looking for a spouse. She also points to studies which say that
children are in most cases better off with a single mom, than with a mom who
marries a step-dad. On the other hand, the tradition in the Bible and through
much of the last 2000 years was that a widow or widower would often remarry
shortly after losing a spouse, partly so that they could have help in raising a
family. I'm not sure which is best. My point would be that a divorced person
should never remarry just to prove a point; only remarry if you believe it is
what God is calling you to do.
So many questions. Again, if you
disagree with some of what I have said, don't get mad. I am simply trying to
apply what I understand the Bible teaches on this subject. I'm kind of relieved
to be done with 1 Corinthians 7. This is important stuff, but it is not easy
stuff to preach. Last Sunday one man told me he had been going to church for at
least 45 Sundays each year for over 70 years and had never heard a sermon on 1
Corinthians 7. I know why. This is tough stuff. It is hard to put it all
together in our mind, and it is hard to be willing to apply and obey what it
says. But that is what the Lord is calling us to do.
I close with two thoughts. First,
the church, including First Baptist Church, needs to make sure it treats those
who are going through divorce, or have been divorced, with compassion. In many
ways, having a spouse die can be easier than losing a spouse through divorce.
Listen to what one divorced Christian woman wrote: I have lost my husband,
but I am not supposed to mourn. I have lost my children; they don't know to whom
they belong. I have lost my relatives; they do not approve. I have lost his
relatives; they blame me. I have lost my friends; they don't know how to act. I
feel I have lost my church; do they think I have sinned too much? I am afraid of
the future, I am ashamed of the past, I am confused about the present. I am so
alone. Friends, I'm not suggesting we lower our standards. We always need to
remind folks that marriage is intended to be a "till death do us part"
commitment, but we also need to remember that another one of our standards that
must not be lowered is a commitment to love and help people who are hurting,
even if they are partially or mostly responsible for the situation they are in.
Remember, First Baptist Church is not a country club for saints, but a hospital
for sinners, and divorced sinners are welcome here just like married sinners.
Secondly, when it comes to divorce,
an ounce of prevention is not worth a pound of cure, but a whole ton of cure.
Divorce takes a terrible toll on women, men, children, pastors and churches. I
beg you, if you are married, or if you get married in the future, to do
everything you can to keep those marriage vows and make that marriage work. Work
at it. Don't assume that your problems could never escalate to the point of
divorce. Deal with your conflicts and tensions when they are small. Communicate
with each other about your concerns and frustrations. Ask the Lord to rekindle
the love which is at the heart of your relationship. Seek God's help and wisdom
for being the best husband or wife you can be. Go home and read Ephesians 5:22,
and following verses, and strive to fulfill the responsibilities that God has
given you in your marriage. Yes, when divorce occurs, we have to deal with it.
By God's grace we will deal with it in a way that is consistent with what the
Bible teaches and in a way that brings healing to those involved. But our goal
should be to encourage strong, healthy, loving marriages, so we won't have to
deal with divorce very often.
Copyright 1998- 2000 First Baptist Church Chisholm, MN.
