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Making Marriage WorkEphesians 5:22-33 "MAKING MARRIAGE WORK" Please visit Pastor Dan's Sermon Index at the Chisholm 1st Baptist Church website Little Suzie came home from first grade and excitedly said, "Mom, today our teacher told us the story of Snow White." For the next five minutes she then recounted the fairy tale including the arrival of Prince Charming and his rescue of Snow White. "Then do you know what happened, Mom?" Suzie asked. "They lived happily ever after?" "No, Mom, they got married." Someone said, "All marriages are happy. It is the living together afterwards which causes all the trouble." Even if a marriage is made in heaven, we are responsible to maintain it and that's not an easy task. Lots of marriages break down and seem beyond repair. In our country, roughly half of the marriages end in divorce. There are also many which are intact, but not healthy or happy ones. Unfortunately, marriage problems are not just statistics. They involve real people. Our friends, family members, maybe even we, ourselves, struggle to make marriage work. With so many folks having a tough time in their relationship with their spouse, the church of Jesus Christ, including our church here, has a fantastic opportunity to show people a better way. We can let folks know that faith in Christ helps us live happily ever after as husband and wife. Unfortunately, in many cases Christian marriages, where husband and wife are both believers in Christ, don't work much better than a marriage where neither partner is a follower of Jesus. In fact, a recent survey showed that Christians have a higher rate of divorce than the average person. This is partly because cohabitation and de-cohabitating have replaced marriage and divorce in some circles, but it clearly shows that Christian marriages often are not working. So, what can we do? The old saying is "When all else fails, read the directions." That is good advice. In this case, we need to pick up the Bible and see what God says about building a marriage which will work as He intended. Today we take a look at the directions He gives us in Ephesians 5:22-33. Friends, there are a lot of good books out there on how to have a better marriage. Books have been written by James Dobson, Gary Smalley, Dennis Rainey, etc., etc., but what we are going to explore today is far more important than all of them put together. God is the Creator of marriage. These are His instructions to us through Paul. These words apply to people who lived in Ephesus in 60 A.D., to folks in northern Minnesota in 1999, and to every time and place in between. In fact, they will apply to people who live in Zimbabwe in 2599, if Jesus doesn't return to earth before then. If we are to make our marriages work, we need to listen to what God has to say. Let's pray that the Lord would help us do that. Last week we had a thirty-minute introduction to this sermon which I realize some of you did not hear. Let me just say that if you have a hard time accepting some of the things I say today, pick up a manuscript or tape of last week's message and maybe it will help put things in perspective. What I said was this: The Bible teaches that men and women are equal, but different. Men and women are equal. They were created equal, Genesis 1, and they are equal in Christ, Galatians 3:28. But men and women are also different and, because we are different, God sometimes calls us to fulfill different roles. One of those times is in the marriage relationship where men are called to be husbands, and women are called to be wives, two different assignments. These different roles have nothing to do with the superiority of one sex over the other. Men and women are different, but equal. These two principles are very clear in our text today. Husbands and wives are equal, but different. Both are responsible for making marriage work. The basic instructions that the Lord gives us are found in Verses 22 and 25. Ephesians 5:22,25 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her... A marriage will not work the way God intends unless each spouse obeys God's command. In football a pass is complete when the quarterback throws the ball and the receiver catches it. That is the only way the play works. For a marriage to work, it requires a team effort. A marriage will not thrive and may not even survive if only one spouse obeys God. Both partners should seek to follow His instructions. The basic equality of husband and wife becomes evident when we realize the commands to submit and love are very similar. Both words focus on giving to the other person, of not being concerned about our own desires, but seeking what is best for our partner. A wife who submits to her husband will not demand her own way. A husband who loves his wife will not demand his own way. If neither partner is in the habit of demanding their own way, they have a good start at a successful marriage. In this type of relationship, a wife will say, "I know you want to stay home so you can go fishing on Saturday, so we don't have to go to my sister's this weekend." The husband will then say, "No, I know you want to go see your sister, so I can go fishing another time." Of course, there can still be an argument, with each one insisting the other person get his or her way, but if that is the type of fights you have at your house, your marriage is in great shape. When wives are submitting and husbands are loving, marriage does work. Submit and love are similar commands, but they are not identical. This is where the differences between men and women come into play. Yes, there are times when a husband submits to his wife. Ephesians 5:21 says, Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. And, of course, a wife should love her husband. The Bible commands all Christians to love one another. But here Paul clearly gives different instructions to husbands and wives. Many folks think the instructions should be interchangeable, but they are not. A woman cannot be a husband, and a man cannot be a wife. It doesn't work. OK, let's take a closer look at what our text says. We begin with the wife because that is where Paul begins. A wife's responsibility is to submit to her husband. 5:22,23 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body of which he is the Savior. She is to recognize and follow her husband's leadership. Let me explain why this is not always an easy thing to do. We were warned of a problem back in Genesis 3:16 To the woman he said, "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." The last phrase is better translated, "Your desire will be to be over your husband, but he will rule over you." In other words, part of the curse, part of the punishment for sin, is that there will be a struggle for power between husband and wife. Because the husband is usually physically stronger, has bigger biceps, he will usually win that battle. But Paul says that now that we are Christians, this has all changed. We can go back to Eden, back to how God intended marriage to be before sin messed it up. The wife was created to be equal with her husband, but she was created with a special purpose, to work beside him and help him. So, what does this submission look like in real life? Paul says the wife should submit to her husband, the same way the church submits to Christ. Ephesians 5:24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. How does she do that? Part of this is recognizing and respecting her spouse's position. Verse 33 says, a "wife must respect her husband." That is very important. Men need that. But a big part of the submission is done willingly, joyfully, and out of love. I know many Christian women who say, "I want to submit to my husband. I enjoy submitting to his leadership." To most feminists, that sounds insane. It is like saying, "I love to drop bricks on my toes." But, a Christian wife who consistently experiences her husband's love will often, not always but often, find submission to him to be a joyous experience. Now, I need to say a few words about the last phrase in Verse 24: "Wives should submit to their husbands in everything." This means all aspects of the relationship. It doesn't mean in every possible situation, including when a husband asks his partner to do something wrong. Some Christians hold to what is called the umbrella theory. They say, "If a husband tells his wife to go rob a bank, the wife should obey. God will punish the husband for breaking the law and commend the wife for submitting to her husband." I doubt the state of Minnesota would commend the wife. This type of submission could be defined as, "Knowing how to duck so God will hit your husband." But I don't think this is what Paul is talking about. Wives are to submit to their husbands as to the Lord. Part of her expression of love and obedience to Christ is submitting to her husband. But the wife's first loyalty is always to Jesus Christ. The husband derives his authority from the Lord. Whenever a husband asks his wife to do something which is contrary to God's Word, he forfeits his role as head of that marriage. Now, let's look at the husband's responsibility. Paul uses just three verses to instruct wives on their job. He spends nine verses on husbands. Now, if some of you fellows really have not been paying too much attention so far, it is time to listen up. This is for you. And, women, I encourage you to pay attention too, so you can remind your husband what his role is to be in your marriage. 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her... Paul is clearly talking about something more than physical or emotional love. This is a self-giving, sacrificial love. The type of love that Jesus Christ has shown to us. Paul has high expectations of husbands. Jesus says, "Greater love has no one than this, that he be willing to lay down his life for a friend." That is exactly what a husband is supposed to do. We are to give as Jesus Christ gave to us. Paul explains what Jesus did in 5:26,27 ...Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. Many husbands love their wives because they think they are beautiful. That is not bad, but here the implication is that because a husband loves his wife, he will do everything possible to make her beautiful. The husband's job is to enable his wife to become who God wants her to be. Some of you men are starting to realize that what the Lord is calling us to do is even a bit harder than what our wives are called to do. I think that men who really take time to study this passage of Scripture, often like it less than the feminists do. But Paul says something very important in Verse 5:28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. Because of the unity which exists in a marriage, in Verse 32 it is called a profound mystery, whatever I do which directly benefits Nancy also helps me. When it comes to marriage, she and I are in this thing together. If my marriage is not working, it is going to be real hard for me to enjoy spiritual and emotional health. If I am going through a struggle in my soul, I need to check and make sure I am really loving my wife. If I'm not, I'm hurting both of us. So these are God's instructions for making marriage work. Wives submit to your husbands, husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church. Now, let me say something to those of you who are not married. Some of you used to be married, you are widows or widowers now. Some of you are seven or eight years old and are not married now, though you probably will be someday. Others of you have never married and probably never will. If it is possible that you will be getting married in the future, I hope you pay close attention to what God says in this passage. This is good stuff to know before your wedding day. I sometimes see Christians struggle in marriage because in the past they have picked up some wrong, warped ideas about marriage from watching other couples around them. Some of us husbands never set the dinner table because we never saw dad do that. I doubt that is something God calls every husband to do, but I suspect if I love Nancy the way Christ loved the church, I will do it sometimes. Those of you who may never marry or may never marry again, also need to listen to what God says, because you have a great opportunity to help others in their marriages. Married people need parents, grandparents, siblings and friends who will encourage them in their relationship with their spouse. Married people need folks around them who will tell them to love their wives and submit to their husbands. When I do marriage counseling, all too often I find that problems are compounded and made much worse because family or friends are giving advice about marriage which is the opposite of what God's Word says. Those who are not married need to help others make marriage work. Now let me try to answer three questions that often come up. #1) How should decisions be made when a husband and wife disagree? Some twist God's Word and claim that when a wife submits, she must let her husband make all the decisions and never express her opinion. Wrong! Let's go back to the decision of what to do for the weekend. The wife needs to communicate that she would like to go see her sister, and the husband needs to express his preference for going fishing. They need to discuss it and maybe they'll agree it is better to go to her sister's next weekend, or maybe they'll decide the wife should visit her sister by herself. Both partners need to communicate their desires, feelings, and reasons, if good decisions are going to be made. Just because the husband is head of the family does not mean he doesn't need to listen to his wife. In Genesis 21:12, the Lord admonishes Abraham to listen to his wife Sarah concerning Ishmael and Isaac. I think the Lord would tell each of us to make sure we listen to our spouse when we are making important decisions. But, even when a husband and wife listen to each other, and thoroughly discuss an issue, won't there be times when they still cannot reach agreement on a decision? Yes, and on those occasions, I think Paul says it is the husband's job to make the choice which he feels is best, not for himself, but for his family, and it is the wife's responsibility to submit to that decision. But, those times when the husband needs to act as the leader in the family and make a choice, with which his spouse disagrees, should be very, very rare. A husband who is frequently demanding his own way, is not loving his wife and is not obeying the Lord. #2) Are there certain "jobs" that only the husband or wife should do? Probably not. A couple may sit down together and decide that it works out best if he does the laundry and she takes care of organizing the family finances. Now, that may be the opposite of what happens in most homes, but there is nothing in the Bible that says a man can't do laundry. I've been looking for that verse a long time and it's just not there. Just because he is the head of the marriage relationship doesn't mean that a man can't delegate his authority in certain areas to his wife. In our house when it comes to planning meals, that is within Nancy's sphere of sovereignty. She asks my opinion, but she decides what we are going to have for dinner. Each couple needs to work together in dividing responsibilities and in helping each other with various tasks. Then they can function in a way that encourages the family, helps other people, and brings honor to the Lord. The third question which comes up is this: Is it OK for the wife to be the spiritual leader of the home? Our text today, and other passages, indicate that the husband should be the spiritual leader of his family. When it comes to involvement in the church and various ministries, family devotions and prayer, it is the husband who should be the leader. Is that because he possesses more spiritual wisdom than his wife? No, not at all. It is simply the way that God has set up the family. I know some of us husbands need to get to work on this. Maybe some wives need to step back and allow their husbands to lead. But, if your husband refuses to act as the spiritual leader of your home, you wives better be willing to assume the role. Remember, your primary loyalty is Christ, not your spouse. I remember talking to a woman who had not been in church for thirty years because she was waiting for her husband to go with her. I don't think she should have waited for even three weeks. Wives, if your husband will not lead your family in following the Lord, then you need to ask him to follow you, or get out of the way. It is tragic to see women and children who are spiritually malnourished because the husband does not provide spiritual leadership. No woman should ever allow herself or her children to be physically abused in the name of submission and, wives, you should not allow yourself or your children to be harmed spiritually because you are submitting to your husband's leadership. And, guys, if we are guilty of not providing spiritual nourishment and encouragement to our family, that needs to change. We need to turn to the Lord today, ask His forgiveness, and ask Him to help us to function as spiritual leaders in our family. Friends, in a world where a lot of marriages simply don't work, Paul has laid out a blueprint which will enable us to find success. It is not an easy plan, but it is simple. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord and, husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church. If you find a couple where both partners are consistently doing that, you will find a marriage that works, a marriage that brings joy to each spouse, a marriage that begins to fulfill the deepest needs of each partner, a marriage that blesses other people, and a marriage that brings honor to God. Copyright 1998- 2000 First Baptist Church Chisholm, MN.
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