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The following message is from the Ray C. Steadman Library. Visit their
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By Ray C. Stedman, Peninsula Bible Church, Palo Alto, California
Catalog No. 132 Ephesians 6:1-4 Third Message August 28, 1966Copyright
(C) 1995 Discovery Publishing, a ministry of Peninsula Bible Church. This data file is the
sole property of Discovery Publishing, a ministry of Peninsula Bible Church. It may be
copied only in its entirety for circulation freely without charge.
In our series in Ephesians we are coming to another of the great relationships of
life---that of parents and children. It is rather obvious that in our present world
something has gone drastically wrong with this relationship. This is a day when juvenile
delinquency and juvenile crime is skyrocketing to heights never before known. A
conscientious policeman, not long ago, told me how heartsick he was to find that some of
the most brutal crimes in his area were being committed by children not teenagers,
children!---children of ten years of age or even eight, and this is becoming more and more
frequent.
Perhaps the most distressing thing about this whole matter of juvenile crime and
delinquency is the indifference or helplessness of parents. Everywhere parents wring their
hands and cry plaintively, "I can't do anything with him (or her)." There seems
to be abject despair on the part of parents to do anything about this situation. They look
to the police and other law enforcement agencies to take over the responsibility of
raising their children. There is an utter breakdown, apparent on every side, in this major
relationship between parents and children.
What has gone wrong? Why is it that our nation is experiencing this terrible tempest in
this regard? There is no question but that we are reaping the whirlwind which was sowed in
the twenties and thirties of this century by the winds of permissiveness which blew across
the homes and through the classrooms of our nation. Many of us remember that the
philosophies of John Dewey and others of the school of permissiveness captured the
thoughts of educators and the minds of parents throughout this land. We were taught that
children were to be allowed to grow up to "express themselves," that all
discipline is wrong, that it keeps them from developing properly and fully. As a result,
there grew up a whole generation of young people who never learned to obey, never learned
to yield their will to the authority of another. This present revolt against authority is
the direct result of that kind of sowing to the wind.
We shall never have relief from this until we hear again the great words of the apostle
Paul in the Scriptures in respect to the answer to all conflict. In Ephesians 5 the
apostle put his finger precisely on the solution to these overwhelming problems of
conflict between various groups, so prevalent in our age. He said it all in one sentence:
"Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ."
Then he went on, as we have been seeing, to apply this to various relationships. We
have already examined the matter of husbands and wives and the whole realm of marriage
conflict. Now we come to the problem of the relationship of parents and children.
The apostle's first word is addressed to the children:
"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor
your father and mother (this is the first commandment with a promise), that it may be well
with you and that you may live long on the earth."
Notice, this is not a simple exhortation to children to obey, much as you might find in
a pamphlet or booklet on parent-child relationships written from a secular point of view.
It is not simply "Children, obey your parents"; it is "Children, obey your
parents in the Lord." The key to the whole command is "in the Lord." As we
saw in regard to the wife, who is to submit herself to her husband as unto the Lord, so it
is with the child to the parent. Children are to obey their parents, for Christ's sake.
That is the point he makes. They are to obey, not because this is what their parents
want, so much as because this is what the Lord Jesus wants. This is their responsibility
to Christ. They cannot possibly fulfill their desire to belong to him and to reflect his
life unless they are willing to obey their parents. This is the ground upon which the
apostle puts it.
This word "obey" is, literally, the Greek word "stand under." It
means to be under another's authority, and it is used in many places in the Scriptures as
a military term. It is the same word that would apply to a soldier in obeying his orders.
It means to follow orders. To put it very practically and plainly, it says to children,
"Do what your parents say."
Now this is a most important matter, for all through the word of God you find
exhortations to parents to teach their children to be obedient, and to children to be
responsive to that teaching and to obey their parents. Proverbs is probably the most
helpful book on child-raising ever written. Its whole theme is this: a child must learn
the most important lesson of all, to be an obedient child. This is much more important
than simply accomplishing the immediate wish of the parent, whatever it may be. It is
obedience that is the issue.
There is a wise family in this congregation who teach their children obedience in a
rather unusual fashion. They want the child to learn that the important thing is not
merely to do what the parent asks, as if that specific thing were the issue, but rather,
that obedience is the important thing. If either parent says to the child, "Do
so-and-so," and the child delays, procrastinates, or refuses, the parent does not
repeat the request, "Now I told you to do such-and-such." He or she says,
rather, "Do what daddy (or mother) says," so as to convey the clear impression
to the child that the important thing is not the specific request they made, but the issue
of obedience to a parent. This has taught the children of that particular family that the
great and overwhelming thing is to be an obedient child.
With this word of Paul's goes a reason. The Scriptures never give us exhortations like
this without a reason. Many children are completely familiar with this verse oh, how
familiar. They have had it dinned into them any time anything goes wrong at home. They are
constantly reminded, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord." But it is very
seldom their attention is called to the reason for this. Paul adds a reason immediately:
"Obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." Now what does that mean? Do
not take that lightly. I think there is oftentimes a tendency, on the part of young people
particularly to read that and to slough it off as though it meant, "Obey your parents
because this is the way we all act, this is just the way we do it," or, "We've
done it for years and there's no reason to change; therefore, obey your parents." But
it does not mean that. This is not merely an appeal to custom. This is not saying that the
traditional thing to do in our Christian heritage is to obey our parents. It means,
rather, that this is in accord with a fundamental reality, this is one of the basic laws
of life. If you do this, everything will turn out right; if you refuse to do it everything
will go wrong, because it is a violation of one of the fundamental laws of living.
If you want proof of the claim that violation of this will make everything go wrong,
read your daily newspapers. They are Exhibit A! The reason we are suffering from this
tremendous epidemic of delinquency, revolt, and rebellion is because a generation has been
taught that they need not obey, that there is nothing important connected with obedience.
But the apostle puts his finger directly on this and says, "This is the supreme
thing, it is the right thing, it is in accordance with reality." It's the only way to
make your home run right.
Now in verse 2 and 3 the apostle moves on to press deeper into this subject. He says
the same thing again, but he goes behind the actions to the attitudes. He says it is not
only important to obey, but to obey in such a way as to honor your father and your mother.
The attitude of obedience is exceedingly important. We know, of course, that it is
possible to obey with a heart seething with disobedience and hatred. It is possible to
obey with any icy coldness which is perfectly correct in its action, and perfectly wrong
in its attitude. It is possible to give obedience with a deceptive compliance that looks
like willingness, but inwardly one is waiting for an opportunity to revolt or to break
over the lines. We all remember the story of the little boy whose mother wanted him to sit
down but he wouldn't sit down. Finally she took hold of him and sat him down in the chair.
He looked up at her with defiance in his eyes and said, "You may make me sit down
outside, but I'm still standing up inside!"
That kind of obedience is not obedience at all because, as the apostle brings out, it
is dishonoring to the father or mother. It is dishonoring because it depersonalizes the
parent. It treats the parent as a thing, an obstacle, certainly not as a person from whom
life has come, and also love and concern and care. It is to ignore every generous gift of
parental love and to treat them as though they were nothing but an obstacle in the way.
That is why the first commandment with a promise, as the apostle reminds us, was the
commandment, "Honor thy father and mother." The promise that was linked to it
was this: "...that it may be well with you and that you may live long on the
earth." That means that obedience is not merely to be in action only, but in attitude
as well. It requires one to obey cheerfully, not sullenly or with pouting or with sarcasm.
All is to be done before the Lord, who knows the heart, who reads the inward mind and the
attitude. If a child who loves the Lord Jesus is set to live the Christian life. this is
the first area it will show---in a willing, glad obedience to his parents.
Now what does this promise mean "that it may be well with you and that you may
live long on the earth"? Does that sound as though it is mere superstition or
something which has come to us as tradition from the past'? No, God's word is never
shallow. It always has some very real substance to it. It simply means that glad
obedience, willing obedience, is a boon to the children who obey. But sullen. reluctant,
rebellious obedience injures you and can even drastically shorten your life. There is no
joke about this. This is not mere superstition. Sullen obedience is really resentment and
bitterness, and there is nothing more destructive in a human heart than resentment or
bitterness. It does not injure the one you are bitter against; it injures you, it tears
you up inside. It can cause serious physical disturbances.
Modern doctors and psychologists agree that a bitter and resentful heart produces acne,
causes ulcers and loss of appetite, upsets digestion, impairs the use of the mind, causes
allergic reactions such as asthma or fainting spells, makes the skin break out in hives
and blisters, and causes many other kinds of serious physical disturbances. That is why
the word of God promises that honor to father and mother will actually mean a lengthening
of life and will certainly make the life we do live much more enjoyable. This, therefore,
is highlighting a very real problem. Much of teenage emotional disturbances and physical
problems come from an attitude of rebellion toward a parent.
Furthermore, rebellion slams the door to learning. I learned this as a youngster and,
as an adult, I have often seen it in my own experience and that of others. As long as we
are rebellious against something, we cannot learn anything from that situation. If we
fight everything we learn nothing. Therefore we act in ignorance. When we have rebellion
in our hearts we do the most senseless things, and make the most atrocious blunders. We do
things that we would never do if we were in possession of our full faculties. This could
be demonstrated in a thousand ways. You close the door to any possibility of learning
anything and you act out of an emotional surge that results in senseless activity.
It is, therefore, absolutely essential that children learn to obey their parents
willingly. Nothing is more important. I pointed out earlier this morning to our high
school young people that this problem does not end at graduation from high school. We do
not move beyond the need to render obedience to authority. It follows us all our life.
Adults are as much under authority as children are. If obedience has not been learned as
children it is very likely that it will not be learned as adults. This is another reason
for the outbreak of violence, disobedience and rebellion against all forms of authority
sweeping across our land today. This issue is dealt with frequently and widely throughout
the whole of Scripture because it is so vital. It strikes right to the very heart of one
of the most important relationships of life, which touches every aspect of human thinking.
It is extremely important, then, that children, especially Christian children, understand
how necessary it is that they willingly and gladly obey their parents.
But subjection is always a two-way street. The word of God never says to one party only
in these relationships, "Subject yourself to the other." It says. "Subject
yourselves to one another out of reverence for Christ." Therefore, if it is true that
children are to subject themselves to their parents by obeying them, it is equally true
that parents are to subject themselves to their children. How? Paul goes on to show us in
verse 4:
"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in
the discipline and instruction of the Lord."
It has been pointed out that this word translated "Fathers" could well be
translated "Parents" because it includes both the father and the mother. It is
also true that the emphasis is laid largely upon the father, for it is his responsibility
as to what the children become That is sobering, but it is true Mothers may enforce policy
but it is the father's task to set it, and to see that his children are raised properly.
There is nothing that is more dishonoring to the spirit of Christianity than the attitude
adopted by many fathers: "It is my job to make the living; her job is to raise the
children." Not in the word of God! In the Bible the ultimate responsibility for what
a home becomes is the father's. So the word is addressed to fathers "Fathers, do not
provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the
Lord."
That is the way a father subjects himself to his children by deliberately avoiding the
things which make a child rebel." Provoke them not to anger." The word for anger
here is not the common word which describes irritation or temporary upset, for obviously
in any home even proper discipline can sometimes make a child angry. Children are not
mature, they do not always react as they ought, and even necessary discipline will make a
child angry. This word is not saying anything against that. The word used here means
"anger which results in a rebellion." It is the word from which we get our
English word "paroxysm." "Fathers, do not provoke your children to the
place where they completely lose control and break out against authority." That is
the word to the parents.
What causes this? There are two things which cause rebellion in children, two things
which provoke a child ultimately to rebel against his parents: indulgence and harshness.
These two things are the negative of the two things he instructs the father to do:
"Bring them up in the discipline and the instruction (or the exhortation) of the
Lord." The opposites of these are indulgence and harshness. Those are the things
which provoke a child to wrath. During the last century the father was often a tyrant in
his family. Children had to toe the mark and often had very little contact with their
parents in a loving relationship. Consequently there was a breaking out against this. In
our day it is the other way around. We have swung to the extreme of indulgence. We give
our children everything and let them have their own way, let them raise themselves. But
notice that the word says, "Fathers ...bring your children up." Do not let them
bring you up. Once, in a church in which I was speaking, I saw that the subject of the
young people's meeting in the evening was "What's Wrong With Our Parents?" That
indicated the difficulty those children were having in raising their parents. But the word
is not, "Children, bring up your parents," but, "Parents, bring up your
children," and do so by avoiding harshness and indulgence, for either one will
produce the same results---rebellion and an outbreak of violence.
Lack of discipline will make a child insecure, miserable, and self-centered. That is
what we call a spoiled child---one who grows up to expect to have his way in everything
and who rides rough-shod over the feelings of everyone else. This is created, in our day,
by a spirit of indulgence on the part of parents who allow their children to make
decisions which no child is capable of making. Parents must learn that they need to make
decisions for their child for quite a while in his life, and only gradually help him to
learn to make those decisions as he is able to do so. In the early years of childhood
parents must make almost all the decisions. One of the terribly tragic things about life
today Is the degree to which many parents let children make decisions they are totally
incapable of making.
I was in a home not long ago with a Christian father and his little three-year-old
daughter. The little girl was watching the television set. She had turned on a
murder-mystery, or something similarly unsavory. The father saw what she was watching and,
whether it was because I was there or not, something made him feel that this was an
improper diet for his child. He stood at the set and said to her, "Now, dear, you
don't want to watch this, do you?" She nodded her head, "Sure!" He said,
"But I don't think this is good for you. Don't you think you'd better turn it
off?" "No." "Well," he said." you ought to turn it off. This
is not the kind of thing you should watch." But she shook her head again indicating
she wanted to watch it. He stood there for three or four minutes, pleading with her, and
since she would not give her consent he finally let her watch the program.
A three-year-old child is totally incapable of making that kind of moral decision.
Though it need not have been made with harshness, the decision should have been made with
firmness that the child was not to watch that program. It was no wonder that I observed
that the child was a bundle of frustrations, striking out against everyone, for she had no
security. A lack of proper discipline more than anything else will create insecurity in a
child. The child without discipline feels unwanted and terribly unhappy. The limits which
parents set for their children are like walls. I know that walls can sometimes be prisons,
frustrating us, but that is usually the extreme. Walls are much more frequently beneficial
to us and we often long for them because they are symbols of safety. Who does not feel
more secure at home at night because of the walls which are there. Disciplinary limits are
like that to a child.
The Saturday Evening Post once had a story of a stepfather who was trying to win the
acceptance and approval of his new stepson by indulging him, buying him everything he
wanted. But he was getting nowhere. Finally they went out on a hike together and came to a
place where a waterfall came down over a cliff and spread out in a big pool at its foot.
Suddenly the father noticed the son's blue cap floating in the middle of the pool. Without
hesitation he dived in and tried to find the boy. He made several dives and at last,
unavailing, he flung himself exhausted on the bank. Just then he heard a noise and there
was the boy standing behind a tree. He said to him, "Did you throw your cap in the
pool?" The boy said, "Yes, I did." The father said, "What did you do
that for?" The boy answered, "I wanted to see what would happen." The
stepfather said, "Well, you're going to find out right now," and he spanked him
as few boys have ever been spanked. On the way home in the car he suddenly found hot
little fingers gripping his hand, and choked voice saying, "I'm sorry, I'm awful
sorry, but I didn't know whether you really liked me, because you never spanked me like
the other children's fathers do." It is an imperative necessity that children find
discipline, for it is the mark of love. As the apostle tells us in Hebrews, no father ever
had a son but what he chastened him because he loved him. God's chastening is that to us,
a sign of love. It is the same to a child.
The other extreme which provokes a child to revolt is harshness---harsh, demanding
discipline which is never accompanied with love, concern, or understanding. Rigid,
military discipline which says, "Do this, or this, or else," will inevitably
drive a child to revolt as he comes to adolescence. I remember hearing of a father who
ordered his family about like a martinet. He had been in the military, and he tried to run
his household that way. He assembled the family every morning, lined them all up, the wife
and the children, and gave them their orders for the day. One day when he had them lined
up, he said to them, "Now, any questions?" One little boy raised his hand. The
father said, "What is it?" The boy said, "How can I get out of this
outfit?"
That is certainly the first question any child will ask as he comes to maturity, if
that is the kind of regime under which he lives. I know a father who has five children.
One by one, as they have come to adolescence he has driven them away. They had to leave
home and had no other alternative. Finally, with the last one, the wife left too, driven
out by a harsh, unbending rigidity which would not allow any expression of love or
understanding.
Opposed to this the apostle puts two things, discipline and instruction, or
exhortation, in the Lord. The word for instruction is really "putting in mind"
in the Lord. Discipline, and putting in mind in the Lord. As the child grows older,
physical discipline is to be replaced by exhortation, by understanding helping a child to
see what lies behind the restrictions, and always showing concern and love. It does not
mean a total relaxing of limits, but it means a different way of enforcing them. I can
point you to nothing better in this respect than the very excellent summary by Howard
Hendricks entitled Pointers For Parents. The seven pointers he gives are excellent:
1. Provide an emotional climate in the home an atmosphere that builds our personal
relationships with them---a place of warm welcome and acceptance.
That means spending time with your children until they know you and you know them.
2. Be a good example---convictions conveyed by a life, admitting that we make
mistakes but showing that the grace of God is at work in us.
There is nothing more important than this. How can we possibly convince our children
that material things are not the most important things in life if they only see us saving
money in order to buy a new television set or a new automobile, and never see us saving to
help in the extension of the Lord's work or to invest in some cause for Christ's sake. How
do we ever expect them to think the Lord can be in them a "present help in time of
trouble" if, in every crisis in our home, they find us reacting with bitterness and
resentment or sharpness toward those who injure us. How can we ever show them that there
is a greater way of handling things than force, that love is more powerful than enmity, if
we do not practice it ourselves.
3. Allow gradual emancipation from the apron strings of parental authority. Begin
early to feed them responsibility---evaluate the results and adjust according to their
ability to handle it.
I once asked our high school young people, "What are the areas which create the
most resentment toward your parents?" The one thing that was most widely experienced
was this: "They don't let us take a chance. They don't let us make mistakes."
Most Christian parents have this attitude. We think we are there to keep them from making
mistakes. We are not. We are there to help them make mistakes early enough that they can
learn from them while they are still not too serious. If we keep them from making mistakes
until they get into adolescence, then the ones they make will ruin them. A parent's job is
to help his children have an opportunity to make mistakes and thus learn.
4. Provide counsel in an informal setting. Spend time to build a relationship which
makes our counsel acceptable.
5. Set limits. Build in some restrictions. But discipline demands a context. You
have no right to discipline unless you have also given them time and interest.
This is a parent's task---to set limits---and it is one which, as I have already
suggested, builds security in a child. He wants to have some limits. He desperately needs
them, but the limits are to made with understanding.
6. Apply the law of natural consequences as they grow up. Discuss pros and cons, let
them decide---then let them live with the results. (Alternative: we make all the decisions
for them so they lose the ability to make decisions. Or---they decide wrongly, then we
bail them out. )This is again a further elucidation of the need for gradual emancipation
from apron strings. Let them make some mistakes, let them see what the results are, but
early enough that they are not the kind which will damage them all their life.
7. Surround them with a fortress of prayer, trusting the Spirit of God to do for
them what he did for you!
This is most important, for prayer is a mighty force to keep children true and honest
and open. Keep communication lines clear, so that our children may grow up to be an honor
to our homes and an honor to Jesus Christ, and so that they may experience what we so
desperately want them to experience: the beauty and glory of womanhood, and the freshness,
strength, and vitality of manhood, so that they may be men and women as God intended them
to be. This is what we are called to, as parents. May God help us to do so in the light of
the truth.
Catalog No. 132 Ephesians 6:1-4 Third Message August 28, 1966Copyright (C) 1995
Discovery Publishing, a ministry of Peninsula Bible Church. This data file is the sole
property of Discovery Publishing, a ministry of Peninsula Bible Church. It may be copied
only in its entirety for circulation freely without charge. |
