We forced our children to read the Bible when they were young until it became a daily habit. Our goal was to bring them under God’s authority and we never apologized to them for demanding that they honor Him (and us) in this manner. Many parents abdicate their influence over their children by rationalizing that they cannot force their children to believe in God. While it is true you can’t force them to believe in God, you can certainly make them obey you!  God commands us to educate our children about God and teach them the scriptures.  They are more likely to willingly believe and trust in Him when they have learned and memorized scripture from an early age. 

God commands parents to teach children to read, know, and understand the Bible. (See Deuteronomy 6.) By requiring them to read and study God’s Word parents convey their values in a way that makes a lasting impression. Of course we must provide them with the example of our own regular daily Bible reading habit!

THE IMPORTANCE OF GODLY METHODS

Parenting is a high stakes venture. Many parents fail to appreciate how much is riding on the decisions they make. The ruin of a child often begins when parents ignore a young toddler’s disobedient look or rebellious words because it is inconvenient to administer correction. Parents will send children to Sunday school and take them to church, because they consider that an important duty. But often they will overlook overt disobedience because it is a bother or an embarrassment to correct their children when and where they need it most!

Some parents incorrectly believe it is up to God to deal with their children’s tendency toward rebelliousness! As parents, God holds us fully accountable to faithfully represent His authority and standards. He does not leave us empty handed in dealing with our children’s wayward tendencies. The book of Proverbs clearly prescribes generous applications of the rod of correction to lead our children into Godly and respectful character. Many parents, influenced by psychology and other secular influences, use ineffective methods of discipline. Parents who ignore the clear directions in God’s Word on how to discipline their children in favor of worldly wisdom such as psychological learning theories will be sadly disappointed by the results.

We don’t want to mislead you into thinking our experiences at parenting were uneventful and free from concern. Some of our friends and family have suggested that our children were the blessed beneficiaries of some genetic or spiritual accident that made them docile and obedient. Not so! Our children were born ordinary sinners, just as you and I. We opposed their natural inclinations to be rebellious with swift and consistent discipline, beginning when they were toddlers.

With each child in turn, we passed times of decision when we knew, without doubt, that they were standing at the brink of blessing or curses, depending on the choices they made. We were watchful over their souls and passed many sleepless nights in prayer. During those times we were fully conscious of the spiritual battle that was taking place over our children. You too need to be aware that fierce spiritual conflicts rage over every child. They have an enemy who hates them and desires to see them in cruel bondage. It is only the diligent exercise of parental authority that will spare them the misery of rebellion.  The blessings of peace with God come from a heart that has been taught to submit to His hand from an early age.

These times of spiritual conflict were short intense periods, lasting months, not prolonged struggles enduring year after year. God’s grace, with parental obedience, will capture our children’s hearts and affections and lead them to a walk of obedience. For us, following these struggles, we experienced the joy of liberation and the peace and security of knowing that God was mighty and faithful to reveal Himself to our children.

As parents we did not do everything "just right." There is room for parents to make many mistakes, for we are learning as we raise our children. Children must learn to be faithful and obedient, while parents must learn to exercise their leadership in a wise and loving manner. Our children remember some of the mistakes we made, just as we remember some of theirs. (See our daughter Ruth’s testimony.) Yet we learned to treasure God’s blessing and appreciate the work he performed to bring us close together and join us in purpose and spirit.

PASSING FAITH FROM GENERATION TO GENERATION

God Himself must demonstrate to each man the proof of His existence. He alone can provide the reason for their faith. We cannot merely pass traditions on to the next generation. To perpetuate a godly faith from one generation to another, the burning torch must pass from heart to heart. Only God can provide the fire. Often times, the reason the torch fails to pass is because the spiritual fire of the parents is far too cold to ignite anything. Jesus warned that the End Times would be marked with unrestrained rebellion and widespread wickedness and temptations that would sap the faith of most Christians.

When it came to our children, each time we faced a spiritual battle we were led to examine our own hearts. We knew un-confessed sin was an advantage to our enemy and an obstacle to God’s blessing. Each victory was preceded by our own repentance from revealed sin and compromise in our own hearts. We were rewarded with the joy of seeing our children develop their own relationship with God.  He began to speak to their hearts and we took security in knowing they were hearing his voice.  We were reassured when they showed a tender and active conscience, as a result of their firsthand knowledge of God’s Word.

We did not hesitate to declare God’s counsel to our children. They grew accustomed to frequent conversations and probing questions about their grasp of the elements of our faith. We frequently warned them how important it was to walk in obedience to God. If you ask them, they will tell you that over the years as they were growing up we questioned them hundreds of times to see if they had completed their daily Bible readings. We still ask them. It proves to them that we attach so much importance to the regular reading of God’s Word that we will embarrass them if necessary. We also provided them with our own consistent example of daily Bible reading; Sallie and I read through the Bible yearly with a disciplined program that ensures we cover every chapter, even those Old Testament books that we might be tempted to pass over as less interesting.

THE OBJECTIVE OF GODLY PARENTING: BRING THEM UNDER GOD’S AUTHORITY

As parents, we should strive to diligently implement the command in Deuteronomy 6 to teach our children and speak of the Lord as we rise up, sit down, and go in and out. Many parents have disobeyed this command by relinquishing this responsibility to Sunday school teachers or pastors. God’s plan is for parents to lead their children to a living faith. But even if we have diligently taught our children, it is still a comfort to know that the one who never sleeps or slumbers is always watching them. He is able to continually warn and encourage them, even during those times when we cannot be there.

Our children have always attracted the notice of our friends and family for their good natures and we are truly blessed by the fact that they are happy and obedient. Perhaps if we had six children instead of just two it would have been more difficult. Supposing we did have six children and one of them chose to be rebellious, how would we respond? Would we still feel like successful parents? Is it reasonable to expect every child to be obedient and submit to parental authority? What is a parent to do when a child chooses to be rebellious? Is a rebellious child a sign of parental failure?

WHAT MAKES A PARENTAL FAILURE?

The judicial term, derived from Latin, "en loco parentis," literally means "in the place of the parents." A person authorized to act in this capacity is simply representing the will and intents of the parents in respect to the child in the physical absence of the parents. Likewise, our position as parents is to faithfully represent the will and intent of God towards our children until the time when our children come into a direct and personal relationship with God. We don’t have the option of carrying out our own will, just as when we give someone a power of attorney to care for our children (which is an authorization for them to act en "loco parentis") there are prescribed limits to their authority. 

We act in God’s stead and the Bible clearly presents both our responsibilities and how we should accomplish them. The first step towards parental failure is for parents, through ignorance or disobedience, to not follow Biblical instructions on parenting.  Parents who choose their own methods of discipline rather than researching and understanding God's clear Biblical directions offend against God and their families.  God commands parents to be diligent in discipline and wise in understanding. We don't have the option of choosing either our methods or our goals since our children belong to God.  We are acting in His place and have a responsibility to accomplish his desires.  

The Importance of Leading Children Well Acknowledged by the Apostle Paul

Paul includes the ability to govern a man's household in the essential qualifications for church leadership.  1 Timothy 3:4-5 (KJV) "One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity; 5 (For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?)" Paul clearly states that one of the results of a spiritual walk with God is an ordered household.  

Given Paul's statement, what should we think about a pastor or elder with a rebellious child?  Is he qualified to be a church leader? I agree with Paul, that a man whose house is not in order has no business being a preacher or church leader of any kind. However, I do not believe that Paul was suggesting that an absolute qualification of eldership was that every one of an elder’s children should be in a state of obedience, at all times.  In most cases, I would expect them to be! Paul clearly states an elder should know how, and habitually practice, strong Biblical leadership in his family.  If there is a clear trend towards rebellious children it suggests that there is something wrong in the family, and Christian leaders should be models for the congregation.  

However, I do not support the conclusion that parents are necessarily guilty of poor parenting simply because one of their children chooses to rebel against God and reject their Christian heritage.  This  happens sometimes despite the benefit of Godly example and sound teaching. Children are granted a free will and any child may choose to exercise his will through rebellion and disobedience. If under some exceptional circumstances, a child does not respond Biblically to his parents, then the parents should know how to faithfully represent God’s authority in placing that child under family and church discipline. It would be a mistake for a father to allow one rebellious child to challenge his authority or sow discord in his family through blatant rebellion. A man who knows how to wisely rule his own household will deal with such a child firmly and decisively to protect his other children. 

Ruling your house well does not imply that the ruled will cheerfully obey at all times.  However, the wise ruler will decisively respond to any challenge to parental authority. My belief is that rebellious child is not necessarily a disqualification from eldership, providing the rest of the household is in good spiritual order. However, I am not trying to create an excuse for parental failure.  If there are one or more rebellious children, there is certainly reason for the parents to examine their own lives to see if they have misallocated their time and resources. More often than not, when children rebel there is a spiritual reason. I believe in many cases, the parents are at fault, either through worldliness, spiritual laziness, or backsliding. 

However, there are cases where a child is brought up well, yet inexplicably chooses to rebel. We cannot automatically assume that a child’s rebellion has been induced through parental failure. The prayerful exercise of sound spiritual discernment can keep the Christian from jumping to the wrong conclusions.  However, the scriptural adage "By their fruits ye shall know them" is wise.  It is not unreasonable to question the foundations of a home with poorly behaved and disrespectful children when those children go uncorrected and undisciplined. 

True parental failure occurs when parents do not firmly respond to rebellion by making their children experience negative consequences for their wrong choices. Permissive parents who allow a rebellious child to effectively camp under their roof in a state of disobedience and feed them and care for them just as if they were obedient children teach their children that God does not attach consequences to sinful behavior. This is a serious mistake and leads to tragic consequences.  This was the sin of Eli, whom God rebuked through the young prophet Samuel, saying: "In that day I will perform against Eli all things which I have spoken concerning his house: when I begin, I will also make an end. 13 For I have told him that I will judge his house for ever for the iniquity which he knoweth; because his sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them not. 14 And therefore I have sworn unto the house of Eli, that the iniquity of Eli's house shall not be purged with sacrifice nor offering for ever." 1 Samuel 3:12-14

Eli, rather than tolerating his children’s wickedness should have exercised judgment against it and had them removed from their priestly offices. Yet he showed himself far more tolerant towards his son’s failings than did God. God's response to their behavior was to have them killed in battle. He further punished Eli for his failure to uphold moral judgment by shortening Eli's life as well. There is many a permissive parent who should have shown their child the door and told them they were not welcome to return until they repented of their self-centered disobedience and proved it by a Godly Christian walk. God calls us to restrain our children from all evil habits and conduct. If a child wishes to exercise the privilege of independent decision making, then they ought to experience the responsibility of paying their own rent and working for their own food.

It is a true parental failure when parents, in response to specific conduct and attitudes expressed by their children, misrepresent God by the manner they respond to their children’s disobedience. God never fails to reward obedience and punish rebellion. The Bible clearly illustrates this in both the Old and New Testaments.  When parents fail to respond to their children’s rebellion firmly, using the Biblical authority granted to them by God for this purpose, they misrepresent God’s character and moral government to their children. Double minded and permissive parents encourage their children to form a false view of God’s authority.  God holds parents accountable for teaching children to honor and respect the Lord.

Sallie and I have observed many times that Christian parents tolerate ill behavior from rebellious children because they are not willing to discipline them with firmness and consistency. When we witnessed this sort of behavior, we used it as an opportunity to convey object lessons to our children, Ruth and Tim. We warned them that we would never tolerate that type of behavior from them. We told them that no matter how much we loved them we could not allow them to defy God by disobeying us. We made it very clear that on the day that they felt free to openly disobey our legitimate commands we would show them the door. God would never tolerate such behavior and neither would we. Our children heard from our lips again and again that they needed to obey us because that was how they demonstrated to God that they loved and respected Him. As a result, our children learned that the blessings of a home and the support of their parents are not "rights" that they demand, but privileges they maintain through right relationship and obedience to God and parents.

God commands children to honor parents so that he can bless them with long and prosperous lives. He Himself would resist them if they failed to show us the respect and honor that was appropriate. Parents are charged with seeing that their children receive appropriate consequences for their actions. How often it is that the children turn their parent’s lives into a living hell through their disobedience. It should be the other way around. It is the parent’s duty to see that their children experience appropriate discomfort and misery when they choose evil. This is the one area of life where the principle of sowing and reaping should be clearly demonstrated. When parents obey God’s Word rather than borrowing the wisdom of men they usually discover they are not powerless to deal with their children’s rebellion. Many fail at parenting because they are unwilling to first repent of their own disobedience.

WHAT THEN ARE PARENTS TO DO?

A line from one of my favorite hymns reads "They who trust Him wholly, Find Him Wholly true." Parents can count on God for success in raising their children if they follow him with an undivided heart. Scripture commands us to worship God with our whole heart, mind, and soul. Parents who would serve God must provide their children with a good example. Parents who love God with their whole heart are not apathetic when it comes to the condition of their children’s faith. They eagerly discipline their children with the goal of teaching them to correctly respond to God’s authority, thereby laying a foundation for the child’s future success. 

Although there are exceptional cases where children choose to rebel despite the parent’s good example and scriptural training, these situations should be rare exceptions. A child raised to respond to God’s authority, and taught to fear God through exposure to the Word, will have difficulty being happy in a life of sin due to their early upbringing and indoctrination in God’s Word. Though they may temporarily stray, the foundation laid by Godly parenting will eventually lead them to return back to their faith.

In contrast to children raised with loving discipline, permissively raised children grow up with a warped perspective. Indulgent parenting leads them to fancy that the entire universe revolves around their wants and needs.  They see no need to seek God. Permissively raised children are prone to believe God has wronged them when something goes against their will. Such children, as adults, usually fail to respond to God’s chastisement until they are in dire straits, if at all.  Indulgent parents usually ensure their children a lifetime of hardship and disappointment. 

A permissively raised child is truly a case of parental failure! How tragic that so many parents allow one of God’s most precious gifts to be ruined and lost to sin through their laziness and neglect. This, dear friends, is a tragic loss. However, even now, if it appears you have failed in your parental responsibilities, you can turn to Him and seek mercy and grace afresh to recover what may yet be rescued. God is tender towards all His children and always ready to provide grace in the times of our need. 

It is better to be a diligent parent and persevere in disciplining our children. A disciplined child enjoys God’s continued blessing and protection. Parents who practice loving discipline build a heritage of success for succeeding generations of their families.  God takes great delight in seeing His blessings passed to subsequent generations. He looks forward to greeting each one of his children with the words, "Well done, my good and faithful servant, enter into the joy of your master!"