I alter my advice to parents slightly, depending on their situation. In your case, a two parent family where both parents are working together as a team, you can have a discussion with the kids.  You can tell the kids that Mom and Dad realize they have not been doing a good job of disciplining the children, and that God has helped you realize you need to enforce His standards more carefully. Let them know the rules have changed, but your love for them has not. Explain that in the future spankings will not be laughing matters, because sin and disobedience is a serious thing in God's eyes. Make changes gradually and most important, be consistent.

In this case, since your kids are older, you can come up with a list of punishable offenses which merit spanking and review the list together with your children. The list should include defiance, sassing, and disobedience. Children should not be spanked for simple forgetfulness, clumsy actions such as spilt milk, ect. Spanking should be used primarily as a remedy for defiance, direct disobedience, and bad attitude towards parental authority. I Recommend you get the book "What the Bible Teaches About Child Training," by Richard Fugate, and study it carefully to help plan and develop your discipline strategy.  See Best Books For Parents for more information on parenting resources. 

Hebrews 12:10-11 says, "For they verily for a few days chastened us after their own pleasure; but he for our profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness. 11 Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby." This scripture clearly shows that discipline should not be something to be laughed off. There is a practical reason for not using your hand to spank your children.  By using a rod instead, you separate the discipline from the person of the giver.

The object of discipline is to change the child's attitude by giving them a foretaste of the potential terror and pain of eternal separation from God, which naturally result from rebellion and disobedience. My preference for utensils was to keep half a dozen wooden paint paddles (Free at the paint store) for our toddler sized children, for use on bare skin. If you are disciplining older children through clothing, you wil want to use a slender flexible rod several feet long, the traditional "switch."  These are free and plentiful if you have trees close at hand.  A switch should be no more than 1/4" thick so it will still sting. It must be flexible so it will not bruise or injure the child if it inadvertently comes into contact with the raised area of the spine, due to squirming or movement.

Avoid leaving welts, if only to avoid potential trouble with our confused, and often over-aggressive social authorities. It is really sad and unfortunate in this day of undisciplined children that the positive act of spanking is subject to be be misinterpreted, by the ignorant and misinformed, to be child abuse. It's a sad society that can't tell the difference between a legitimate act of discipline and real child abuse.  This is the growing effect of Biblical illiteracy and of television and media coverage of the ideas of the small but outspoken spanking opponents.  The media frequently interviews self-appointed social experts who have the hidden agenda of criminalizing spanking.   

The Word of God says that the children who are genuinely unloved are those that go without discipline.  Parents who care enough to insist that their children be obedient and and enforce their parental authority prepare for their children's future success and help them be effective, productive members of society.  For a careful debunking of some of the phony information and statistics used by opponents of spanking see the book by Robert Surgenor, "No Fear: A Police Officers Perspective."   

Hi Mark,

Thanks for writing back. Yes, I have noticed with both of my sons a smart-alec response to doing what they are told and delaying what they are suppose to do. I have been given a lot of backtalk from our younger son. I am married and my wife also has problems with the children obeying her as well. We are both in agreement now as far as using spanking. I just need to be more consistent in applying discipline. I see now the importance of using the rod instead of my hand. I am planning on holding a family meeting to discuss these issues and how things are going to change.

I let my wife read the email message and she agrees with your comments. I read the book "Shepardizing Your Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp and decided I was growing slack in discipline. I will pick up the book you suggested by Richard Fugate, "What the Bible Teaches About Child Training," as well as a rod. What do you suggest for positioning of spanking? Since I will be using a rod, should I have them bend over my knee or their bed? Both sons don't  know about me changing the rules in discipline.  I have read most of the articles you have on spanking on your website. It is really a shame that other people can't see that the use of spanking can be used in a loving way. I don't mind at all if you want to use my questions for your Q&A Letters section.

Again, thanks for your advice and may God bless you and your whole family. TJ

Dear TJ,

I am glad that you and your wife are working together as a team. My wife and I used a slight variation on the highly ineffective practice of giving kids a count of three to obey spoken directions. We shortened it to a count of "one" and if they weren't already moving to follow our directions, we had them fetch the rod!  God expects us to train our children to obey without delay!

To train our children for immediate obedience in our children we must first train ourselves not to habitually repeat our commands to our children.  Parents should be consistent in giving directions only once, and then holding children responsible for their actions. Never threaten or nag your children, just tell them what to do and if they don't do it immediately, you should administer the punishment that you and your wife have already agreed is appropriate for that type of disobedience.  

Often times when children are smart-mouthed they are reaching to find the boundary lines. Just firmly show where the boundary is, and be consistent. Parents can be strict, if they are equally diligent to love and praise their children. They thrive on discipline, as long as they know they are loved.

After the spanking, when a child has regained composure and stopped crying, it is important to reaffirm your love and affection and review the cause for discipline.  Remind them that you discipline them because God requires it of you, not because you enjoy it. Some children may need a few minutes by themselves to regroup first. We insisted that our children cried softly and did not allow them to scream or make a scene when disciplined.

As to expressing affection, we never let our kids walk by without reaching out and hugging them, even now when they are young adults. Well disciplined children are rewarding, you will never be ashamed to introduce them to your friends and family.

In closing I would add that it is very important to have a clear idea of just what you expect to accomplish when you spank your children. This means that you should have a clear understanding of the Biblical underpinnings of parental authority, the why and how, and the desired result of your discipline. I can think of nothing more rewarding than the fact that we raised two children who love and honor God.

Not that they are perfect, nor that we never made mistakes, but they have grown up with a consciousness of God through our parenting, and are now walking under his influence. We trust him to finish what we started.

Our Warmest Regards In Him,
Mark and Sallie Benedict