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Train a child in the way he should go ...
Proverbs 22:6
By Gordon A. Rampy
About Gordon Rampy:
Chemist, MIT, 1951
President, Chemetrics, Inc.
Married to Bert (Bertha) 46
years
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This Article was
originally published on
http://www.upamerica.org Here, it has been modified from its original format
to make it more easily printable. Some of the author's graphics were
omitted. You can see
the original article with all of the author's graphics and formatting at: www.upamerica.org/pep1.htm
. You can contact Gordon Rampy at
feedback@upamerica.org .
Parenting 1.01
Outline
Parenting
1.01
consists of seven concise articles developed from a Christian
perspective using sound, Biblical principles for building strong, love-bonded
families.
The articles emphasize parental example, spousal harmony and firm, consistent,
loving discipline as keys to success. The importance of applying these
principles during the early, critical period of child rearing is stressed.
The author, Gordon A.
Rampy, is an experienced, successful parent -- old-fashioned and politically
incorrect -- who, with the help of God and a godly wife, raised four
happily-married sons. He believes the Biblical charge, "The fear of the Lord
is the beginning of wisdom" provides the basis for restoring the family to
its position as the foundation of our society.
Introduction:
Parenting: It's far more difficult in today's world!
Article One:
The challenge: Be fruitful and multiply!
God has handed you the controls for shaping a life. What are you going to
do with them?
Article Two:
Is it enough just to teach survival skills?
Consider carefully what you intend to accomplish by your parenting efforts.
Article Three:
What helps and what doesn't.
The elements of successful parenting.
Article Four:
Preparing the ground.
Discipline is the foundation for learning.
Article Five:
A balanced approach to discipline.
In control, but keeping your cool.
Article Six:
The values transfer process.
Will your children live by the standards you live by?
Article Seven:
Putting it all together.
A framework to build on.
Introduction: Parenting is a Lot More Difficult in Today's World!
Along with the first of our
four sons came an acute case of panic. The word responsibility had
suddenly taken on new meaning, and I wasn’t sure we could handle it. With zero
experience in child rearing, how was I supposed to know how to behave as a
father? The seriousness of my situation hadn't escaped me. After all, success
or failure wasn’t simply a matter of a grade on a report card, nor would it make
or break my career. It was a person that I held in my hands - - a
miniature human being whose course through life would forever be influenced by
my choices. A sobering thought!
So naturally, when my most
respected source of wisdom arrived, I took advantage of the opportunity for
counseling. Without burdening him with my fears, I asked my father, “What
should I do? Should I be strict, or permissive?” His answer surprised me, and
the absence of further elaboration surprised me even more. “Just give him lots
of love and you’ll do fine,” he said. That was it. Next topic.
As I look back on that moment
with more than forty years of life’s educational experiences to help me
understand his wise counsel, I believe he had given me, in those few powerful
words, the advice that he might have wished someone had given to him. He could
easily and authoritatively have followed with a list of rules, commandments and
principles, but that would have reduced the impact of the message: Be motivated
by love; the rest will take care of itself. Indeed, we who are Christians see
in God the example of that same motivation as he deals with us, his treasured
possessions.
So why should I set out
to produce a list of rules, commandments and principles for new parents?
The answer is simple. This is not the same world that surrounded me, my wife
and our infant son in the mid-1950s. In that day, families typically consisted
of an adult male who drove the family car to work while the adult female to whom
he was married remained behind to care for their home and children. Alternative
life-styles, single-parent homes, day-care centers, hour-long commutes,
multi-vehicle garages and little league transportation hassles had not yet
become the norm. Television was just an infant; shopping malls and Big Macs
had not yet been born. It was a kinder, gentler, and far less complicated
world. Life was not a juggling act.
But today, as every young
parent knows, life is a juggling act and time has become a very
scarce commodity. We’ve even coined the term “quality time," because we know
the value of being together as a family. And yet, too much of our time lacks
quality in that it fails to contribute to the training and bonding that should
be inherent in family life.
In those simpler times,
children didn't face the barrage of conflicting messages that confront and
confuse them today. In music and video they're taught that violent behavior,
filthy language and unrestrained sex are typical of adult society. But the
words they hear from their parents and church leaders present a completely
different version of how life is supposed to be. You say, “So what’s new?” And
you’re right - - this has been going on for a long time. What has changed is
the quantity - - the relative amounts of the two messages. In the world of my
childhood, a boy might furtively sneak a peek at a dirty magazine when he got a
chance, but today, television, movies, recorded music and now the internet
engulf him with morally distractive images at every turn.
Finally, and surely most
important among the factors which have changed in our culture, is how we
view authority. We have become so charmed by the principle of equality that
obey and submit have been eliminated from our vocabulary. Individual
rights are worshipped. Even children are encouraged to make their own choices,
with neither rules nor experience to guide them. We are conscious of the impact
this new perspective has had on employment, education and marriage, but we
should also recognize it as the underlying cause of the antisocial behavior we
see all around us and which we view as the destroyer of our culture.
Indeed the world has
changed, and my father’s simple recipe for successful parenting is simply
not enough. To restore the family to its intended position as the foundation
of a moral society we must reaffirm and teach the basic, Biblical principles
God prescribed for effective child rearing. Other prescriptions address the
symptoms; this one addresses the cause. If parents will let Him guide them,
God will surely bless their efforts, even to third and fourth generations.
Article One,
The Challenge: Be Fruitful and Multiply! (Gen. 1:28)
God has
handed you the controls for shaping a life. What are you
going to do with them?
1. Why build parenting
skills?
You don't
have to be Christians to feel an immense burden of responsibility when that
first child arrives. As new parents your world has suddenly expanded
dramatically and you have become aware that another human being now depends on
you for survival, for growth and for its ability to walk safely through the
coming years. But Christian parents recognize that God has given them a
weighty responsibility that goes far beyond simply increasing the world's
population (multiply, Gen. 1:11,22). The challenge given to man was not
only to multiply, but also to be fruitful, and being fruitful requires that we
use the talents that God has given us to mold and shape that new life so that
the world will be a better place because of it. In short, we are
challenged to be profitable stewards of a fragile treasure that God has
entrusted to our care.
No one
enters the world with the skills needed to be a good parent. Those skills
must somehow be acquired by the time they're needed, a process that once may
have been more natural and effective than can be expected in today's fast-paced
world. While Biblical principles for child rearing were once well known,
few today are even aware of the fundamental charge found in the Book of Proverbs
to "Train a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not turn
from it." Instead, the well-intentioned, but highly destructive, theory of
parenting based on enhancing a child's self-esteem has permeated our culture.
Many
young parents simply don't know what to do or which way to go to meet the
challenge. It can provide valuable guidance to those who recognize their
responsibility but have neither the experience nor the example of their own
up-bringing to guide them, and yet are able to see the terrible consequences of
parenting failure in a growing population of antisocial teenagers.
The
challenge God gives us, as articulated in Proverbs 22:6 ("Train a child in the
way he should go and when he is old he will not turn from it."), includes some
implications that are worth noting. It assumes that a person should live
by a certain standard, that he can be molded, and that the molding process is
most effective when the person is a child. Common sense is well confirmed by
recent research which has revealed the incredibly rapid development of the brain
prior to and immediately after birth. The critical importance of
environment during the earliest years is clear, demanding that parents begin the
training process at birth and recognize that course corrections become more
difficult as patterns of behavior become established.
Do the
required parenting skills come naturally? No, they don't, but the Bible
and experienced, successful parents can help to supply them.
2. What do you hope to learn
here that will help you meet the challenge?
Read Proverbs 1:1-9 at the end of this section.
The wise author of the Proverbs
offered counsel for "attaining wisdom and discipline; for understanding words of
insight; for acquiring a disciplined and prudent life, doing what is right and
just and fair . . .." These are the things you can hope to derive from
this course if you, young parents, are willing to behave in a disciplined way as
you take on life's most important challenge. It's not easy, but we will
offer a few basic rules that can give you confidence that someday you will look
back and say, "It was a job well done." There is no greater reward.
(Some
things you won’t get from these lessons: Hints about potty training, breast
feeding, dealing with teething, etc. Also, it should be understood that the
material is predicated on the assumption that parental responsibility is shared
by a husband and a wife; the single parent must recognize his or her handicap
and try to apply these principles accordingly.)
3. Why should you expect to
learn anything from this teacher’s teaching?
You didn't come to this site for
entertainment, you came because you were looking for help. That's good;
that's Step One toward your goal of successful parenting. In fact, your
chances of reaching that goal are enhanced simply by your concern and your
determination to think about the problem. But to keep you on the
right track, we recommend that you take advantage of as many Christian-oriented
parenting guides as you can absorb - - books, videos, articles and web sites - -
to supplement our basic lessons. We don't claim to have all the answers,
nor do we provide guidance on many important topics, such as developing
integrity, challenging to strive for excellence, etc. But we do claim that
following our simple rules will insure that you will be able to establish
yourselves in a position of respect and confidence, from which your words and
examples can effectively and constructively mold the life of your child.
My
background as a chemist, inventor and successful businessman has little
bearing on my credibility as a parenting counselor. But what really
counts is the fact that I was blessed with a wonderful wife who has provided
four wonderful sons and given me forty-six wonderful years of love, joy and
peace. Those sons, of course, are my real credentials. All are
happily married (once), busily engaged in generating grandchildren, and
actively participating in church activities as teachers and deacons.
Bert and I can proudly claim to be experienced, successful parents, and for
that we thank the Lord.
4. Is parenting harder today
than it was for your parents? How? Why?
In some ways, the American Dream has
turned into a nightmare in which more is never enough. The media have
taught us to want things that fail in their promise of happiness, but we seem
nevertheless to devote more and more of our precious time to reaching for them.
In the process, the integrity of the family has been sacrificed. Parents
have increasingly accepted alternatives to being with their children so they can
afford a "better" lifestyle. Consequently they're finding it harder to
nurture than their parents did.
Another
factor that's adding to the parent's burden is the escalating level of morally
distracting messages put out by the media. There seems to be no end to the
increasing sex, violence and tasteless language that is piped into our family
rooms. Each new generation of parents must contend with a larger demon.
5. How do you rate the job
your parents as parents? Would you do the same as they did? If not, why not?
Most of us think we turned out
pretty well and give our parents reasonably good marks. But some whose
folks were excessively strict are determined to go easy, while those who never
knew a "no" want to take a much firmer stand. We hope you have come to us,
not to find justification for your theories, but to learn the basics of
parenting from a reliable source that has provided sound guidance for thousands
of years.
6. What is the most valuable
legacy your parents have imparted to you?
If you were brought up in a home
where God's name was held in reverence, where His words were treated with
respect, and where Christ was worshipped as a priority, the answer to that
question is easy: your parents' most valuable legacy was a Christian home.
That should be your objective, too, along with providing a good name, a good
education, an appreciation for beauty, and a good sense of values.
CONCLUSION
You have a God-given
responsibility to “train your child in the way he should go.” Meeting that
challenge will require that you, as life-molders, discipline yourselves to
follow the guidance the Lord has provided. It won't be easy, but in the end it
will be far easier and infinitely more rewarding than the alternative.
Proverbs For
Parents
1:1-9 The proverbs of Solomon son of David,
king of Israel:
for attaining wisdom and discipline; for understanding
words of insight;
for acquiring a disciplined and prudent life, doing what
is right and just and fair;
for giving prudence to the simple, knowledge and
discretion to the young--
let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the
discerning get guidance--
for understanding proverbs and parables, the sayings and
riddles of the wise.
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but
fools despise wisdom and discipline.
Listen, my son, to your father's instruction and do not
forsake your mother's teaching.
They will be a garland to grace your head and a chain to
adorn your neck.
3:21-26
My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not
let them out of your sight;
they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck.
Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will
not stumble;
when you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie
down, your sleep will be sweet.
Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that
overtakes the wicked,
for the LORD will be your confidence and will keep your
foot from being snared.
4:20-22
My son, pay attention to what I say; listen closely to my
words.
Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your
heart;
for they are life to those who find them and health to a
man's whole body.
5:11-14
At the end of your life you will groan, when your flesh
and body are spent.
You will say, "How I hated discipline! How my heart
spurned correction!
I would not obey my teachers or listen to my instructors.
I have come to the brink of utter ruin in the midst of the
whole assembly."
5:22-23
The evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him; the cords of
his sin hold him fast.
He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own
great folly.
6:20-23
My son, keep your father's commands and do not forsake
your mother's teaching.
Bind them upon your heart forever; fasten them around your
neck.
When you walk, they will guide you; when you sleep, they
will watch over you; when you awake,
they will speak to you.
For these commands are a lamp, this teaching is a light,
and the corrections of discipline are the way to life. . .
10:1 The proverbs of Solomon: A wise son
brings joy to his father, but a foolish son grief to his mother.
12:1 Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge,
but he who hates correction is stupid.
13:1 A wise son heeds his father's instruction,
but a mocker does not listen to rebuke.
13:18 He who ignores discipline comes to poverty
and shame, but whoever heeds correction is honored.
13:24 He who spares the rod hates his son, but he
who loves him is careful to discipline him.
15:5 A fool spurns his father's discipline, but
whoever heeds correction shows prudence.
15:10 Stern discipline awaits him who leaves the
path; he who hates correction will die.
15:20 A wise son brings joy to his father, but a
foolish man despises his mother.
17:6 Children's children are a crown to the
aged, and parents are the pride of their children.
17:21 To have a fool for a son brings grief; there
is no joy for the father of a fool.
17:25 A foolish son brings grief to his father and
bitterness to the one who bore him.
19:13 A foolish son is his father's ruin, and a
quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping.
19:18 Discipline your son, for in that there is
hope; do not be a willing party to his death.
19:26 He who robs his father and drives out his
mother is a son who brings shame and disgrace.
19:27 Stop listening to instruction, my son, and
you will stray from the words of knowledge.
22:6 Train a child in the way he should go, and
when he is old he will not turn from it.
22:15 Folly is bound up in the heart of a child,
but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.
23:13 Do not withhold discipline from a child; if
you punish him with the rod, he will not die.
23:14 Punish him with the rod and save his soul
from death.
29:15 The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a
child left to himself disgraces his mother.
29:17 Discipline your son, and he will give you
peace; he will bring delight to your soul.
New International Version (NIV)
Article
Two: Is It Enough To Teach Survival
Skills?
Consider carefully what you
intend to accomplish by your parenting efforts.
1. What does it mean to
teach our children “survival skills?"
Mothers of young predators in
the animal world teach their offspring how to hunt successfully so they can
survive on their own. As parents, you, too, have a responsibility to teach your
children self-reliance, the ability to earn a living, and how to avoid the
destructive forces in life. This is a basic objective of the parenting process
and results from a natural concern (love) for your child's welfare. In the
absence of physical or mental handicaps, a child who remains dependent on others
well into adulthood is a living reproach to his parents. In a letter to one of
the early churches, Paul the Apostle urged, "Make it your ambition to
lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just
as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so
that you will not be dependent on anybody" (1 Thess. 4:11-12). That was
good advice then and it is just as appropriate today.
2. If how to survive was all
we taught our children, would we have discharged our responsibility?
Important though it is that
parents teach their children survival skills, the challenge to be "fruitful"
stretches their responsibility much further. If we look at survival training as
elementary education, the secondary level could be summed up as "Three Eternal
Rules." John Rosemond, renowned parenting counselor, offers these three basic
rules for successful living that parents must communicate to their offspring:
1. Whether you realize it
or not, whether you accept it or not, you are completely responsible for the
choices you make.
2. If you make bad
choices, bad things will happen - - maybe not right away, but sooner or later.
3. If you make good choices, it
is considerably less likely that bad things will happen.
(See Rosemond's
complete article, "Boomers raising generation of 'psychological toddlers'"
at the end of this lesson)
But an even higher level
of education should be the goal of Christian parents. If, as scripture
teaches, man's ultimate purpose is to bring honor to his creator, then attaining
personal happiness cannot be his sole objective. The writer of Proverbs refers
to a higher goal, "doing what is right, and just, and fair" (Pr.
1:3), and Jesus personalized it in the familiar Golden Rule, "do to others
as you would have them do to you" (Mt. 6:12). While happiness is a
natural and reasonable ambition, children should be taught at an early age that
they have a responsibility to their fellow human beings and to the world God has
allowed them to live in.
3. If your child, age 2-5,
causes a disturbance at a wedding or a church service, how does that make you
feel? Why do you feel that way?
If you have a normal
sensitivity to the rights of those around you, you probably feel embarrassed,
exasperated, helpless, frustrated, and maybe even angry. And that's how you
should feel. But you should also feel a responsibility and a determination
to gain control so that there is never a repetition of the experience.
Unfortunately, many parents see the situation differently. They expect others
to be patient and tolerant of their darling's misbehavior (after all, he's just
a child!), and besides, they feel there's plenty of time for training later.
That's just like a teenager's response to being told, "Smoking will kill you." -
- "Yeah, I know. I'm going to quit, eventually." Of course, by the time
eventually arrives, addiction has made quitting a monumental challenge.
Parents should recognize
that the embarrassment they feel when their child misbehaves in a public setting
should be just as motivating when the misbehavior occurs at home where obedience
can be taught with appropriate firmness. In other words, the child who
has been taught to obey at home will seldom be an embarrassment to his parents
in public.
4. If your child, age 15-18,
is escorted home by a policeman for shoplifting, how would that make you feel?
In this case, the situation is
serious and, while you may feel some of the same frustration, embarrassment and
anger you felt in the scenario described above, you're probably going to have
another emotion that is much more gut-wrenching: the frightening realization
that somehow you've failed and now it's too late to do anything about it.
Discipline is a word we
usually associate with child behavior, but in fact, discipline begins with
parents. It's not easy to recognize the seriousness of seemingly insignificant
concessions to a child's will. But the reality is that experience teaches,
and patterns are easy to establish but extremely hard to change. Parents must
discipline themselves to be firm and consistent, even while they enjoy the
beauty, charm and innocence of that precious and lovable gift. The choices you
make today are certain to have consequences tomorrow.
5. List some characteristics
you hope to instill in your child (1) by age six and (2) by age eighteen.
At the top of the list of
characteristics which should have been instilled in your child by age six are
respect for your authority and love for you. He should have grown to
love you simply because you have behaved loveably toward him, and he should have
learned to respect your authority because he knows that bad choices
consistently produce bad results (secondary education).
By age eighteen the
secondary and also, we hope, the higher levels of parenting should be behind
you. ( In any case, it's too late to worry about it.) Your child has reached
adulthood, and your training should have made him self-reliant, self-disciplined
and respectful of all authorities - - God, parents, teachers and government, and
he should exhibit due concern for those less fortunate and for the rights and
feelings of all. In addition to those very desirable traits, successful parents
will somehow have prepared their child for a lasting and happy marriage. That
preparation will have come primarily from the example of your own marital
relationship and from your teaching about the nature of the marriage
commitment. Perhaps no other aspect of parenting will have more visible and
enduring consequences.
6. What are the benefits you
expect to achieve as you train your children, that is, benefits for you,
benefits for them, and benefits for God?
Benefits for you:
Parents who discipline themselves to carry out their responsibilities with love,
patience, kindness and consistent firmness can expect a harvest of peace and
harmony within the home. You will enjoy being with your children and be proud
of their behavior. You will have peace of mind, knowing that you are preparing
them as best you can for a fruitful and rewarding life.
Benefits for them: A
home environment that is characterized by rules that are enforced with love and
firmness leads to a sense of security and confidence. Disciplined children will
invariably have better relationships with other family members, peers and
ultimately, a marriage partner. Training that includes teaching about God and
our proper relationship to Him leads to a sense of purpose and responsibility.
Benefits for God: By
discharging our responsibilities as stewards of the gift of life, we offer God
the only thing he cannot provide for himself: glory, honor and praise.
7. Are you confident that
you will achieve your objectives as parents? Why? Why not?
The first parents, Adam and
Eve, made a mess of it. After their own disastrous demonstration of lack of
discipline, this couple went on to produce a son, Cain, who murdered his
brother, Abel, in a fit of jealous rage. Surely those parents must share some
of the responsibility for that kind of undisciplined behavior in one of their
children (Genesis 4:1-14). Actually, the story teaches little about parenting
except that we can hope to profit from the parenting experiences of our
predecessors, a luxury the first parents didn't have.
Whether or not you have
confidence in your ability to attain your parenting objectives, success will
come only if you have discipline, determination and direction. We
can provide the direction (there have been a lot of successful parents since
Adam and Eve), but only you, with God's help, can supply the discipline and
determination. Bon voyage!
CONCLUSION
As responsible parents, your
goals should go far beyond simply teaching survival skills. They should include
instilling a clear realization that personal choices have unavoidable
consequences, and that true success in life means to “fear God” and to do
what is right and just and fair. Success in reaching those goals will
benefit you, them and God.
Boomers
Raising Generation of “Psychological Toddlers”
By John Rosemond
During the first two years
of a child’s life, the responsible parent pays a lot of attention to and does a
lot for the child. In effect, the parent serves the child, who is almost
constantly at the center of the parent’s attention. Sometime around the child’s
second birthday, however, a parent’s job description changes from servant to socializer. This requires that the parent initiate the most important of all
transitions in the parent-child relationship, turning it right side up.
By the time the child is
3—assuming the parent stays the course through the child’s protests and often
desperate attempts to keep things the way they were (collectively termed the “terribles”)—the
parent has taken his or her proper position at the center of the child’s
attention. This “swap” in terms of who pays attention to whom is key to the
success of all discipline—the process by which parents turn their children into
disciples, little people who will follow their parents’ lead.
All the evidence points to these conclusions:
Most parents of baby boomers
(children born between 1944 and 1964) succeeded at making this swap.
Most baby boomers, as parents, have failed to
make this swap. Their bent has been to put their children at the center of
their attention and keep them there, to serve them perpetually, to treat them as
if they were not supposed to ever stand on their own two feet.
As a consequence, the last generation of
well-behaved children in these United States is rearing the first generation of
ill-behaved children in these United States. I refer to these children as
“psychological toddlers” because no matter how big they get, they remain
petulant, demanding, self-centered, rude, ungrateful and disobedient.
Further compounding the problem is the fact
that baby boomer parents are wont to embrace the notion that their children’s
ill behavior arises from various forces outside the parameters of parental
control; school pressures, biological mechanisms and so on.
Unfortunately, parents who submit to this temptation will never, ever gain
control of their relationships with their children.
The question becomes, do they even
want to? I’ve noticed that many parents act as if they’d rather be victims
of their children’s problems than take responsibility for them. I
encounter them regularly; long-suffering parents who have resigned
themselves to the problem children life has dealt them and spare no effort to
tell all who will listen how much effort is required in order to survive 18-plus
years of bearing the crosses that are those children.
When I suggest to these parents that they can
set these crosses down anytime they choose, they often look at me as if I’m
speaking a different language.
In fact, I am.
I’m speaking the language of
informing children, all children, of Three Eternal Rules:
l. Whether you realize it
or not, whether you accept it or not, you are completely responsible for the
choices you make.
2. If you make bad choices,
bad things will happen—maybe not right away, but sooner or later.
3. If you make good
choices, it is considerably less likely that bad things will happen.
These have been the Rules since
Adam and Eve, and they are still the rules, and only those individuals who
understand them have a shot at successfully pursuing happiness.
Unfortunately, because the
parent with a disciplined view of his/her children is a rarity these days,
because toddler-hood has become everlasting, because today’s parents would rather
the buck stop elsewhere, I fear that today’s kids have less of a shot at
happiness than has ever before been the case. What a tragic price to pay for
self-esteem.
John Rosemond is a family
psychologist in private practice in North Carolina. Questions of general
interest may be sent to him at P.O. Box 4124, Gastonia, N.C. 28054, and at
http://www.rosemond.com/ on the World Wide Web.
Article
Three: What helps and what doesn't.
The elements
of successful parenting.
1. Knowing what you want to
achieve as parents, what are the ingredients that will produce a product that
meets your expectations?
Right family
relationships.
Perhaps the most basic, yet
highly controversial issue in family relations today is leadership. Who's
responsible for this organization? Where does the buck stop? In no other
institution of our society - - government, school, business, social club or
religious group - - is there any question about the need for a clear line of
authority. But if one spouse has less than an equal share in the family's
decision making responsibility it is seen as somehow demeaning and contrary to
the principle of equality. Common sense clearly supports the concept of a
single, recognized leader, but it does not require that those who follow are in
some way inferior beings. In the New Testament writings of the apostle Paul,
the subject of family (and church) leadership is dealt with explicitly. Wives
are to submit to their husbands, and children are to obey their
parents.
See Paul, the Apostle, on the
ideal family, Ephesians 5:22-6:4, at the end of this lesson.
Distasteful as those words
may be in today's culture, submitting and obeying are keys to
success in parenting. Traditionally and Biblically, the reins of family
leadership belong in the hands of the husband; and his, too, is the final
responsibility for providing and protecting. If that is the husband's role in
your marriage, it will greatly simplify your lives as parents.
The word obey is
rarely heard in wedding ceremonies today, but in the home, obedience must surely
characterize the relationship between children and their parents. This is not
optional if you are going to be successful in the training process. Sharing
leadership within the family must never extend to the children, no
matter how much you may believe in democracy! The writer of Proverbs put it
very well: "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child" (Pr.
22:15). We can hope that folly is not found in the hearts of good
parents and that they fill their role as coaches, not players.
Good genes.
Choose your child’s grandparents carefully!
The scriptures tell us that God punishes children for the sins of their fathers
"to the third and fourth generations" (Num. 14:18). In fact, you might be
surprised, as I was, to learn how much your ancestors influenced the way you are
today. My great-great-grandmother, Lydia Lever, for example, was clearly the
source of the religious influence that flowed from generation to generation in
my lineage.
Researchers in the fields of
genetics, brain development, and behavioral science seem to be reaching a
consensus that genes are indeed important, but their importance is not in
dictating individual characteristics, but rather in determining how we
respond to the early environment that will produce those traits. (See "Fertile
Minds," "What Parents Can Do," and "The Day-Care Dilemma,"
Time, February 3, 1997) You may say, "So what's the difference?"
But the effect is to put far greater responsibility on parents to "train a
child in the way he should go" rather than merely to provide a climate
in which he can freely develop according to his genetic instructions.
Providence.
The saying, "God helps those
who help themselves" is true, assuming "those" are trying to do the
Lord's will. Indeed, as parents we depend on the guidance that He has provided
in the Bible, and we can expect and pray that He will support us by filling in
the blanks when we fail to do our jobs like professionals.
Having parents who were
good examples of caring parenting.
Knowing how to be good parents, as we said
earlier, isn't a skill we're born with. But it is a skill that, if we were
very fortunate, our parents taught us by their example. If we left home
with a deep and abiding love and feeling of respect for our parents, chances are
they gave us a leg up on the task. (And what a marvelous legacy that would
be for you to pass on to your children, too!)
Love for the child and a
determination to do what is ultimately best for him. (Discipline.)
Most parents love their
children; it would be contrary to nature if they didn't. But often that love
shows itself in ways that seem kind and caring while actually doing harm. It's
only natural to want to give a child virtually anything he asks (or cries) for,
but common sense, parenting counselors and the Bible are unanimous in teaching
that you must not. Loving parents know that medicine (or a shot) may not
be pleasant, but it's good for the child, and parents who can follow that same
principle when discipline is required are the ones who actually demonstrate the
greater love.
Instruction.
An obviously essential
ingredient in successful parenting is instruction, that is, the process by which
you teach such things as tying shoes and moral standards. Put effort into your
responsibility; don't assume that in time your child will automatically learn
everything he needs to know. Teach him how to swing a bat, teach
him table manners and teach him goodness. And if you are really serious
about teaching moral values, take him to church and send him to a
Christian school!
Example. Example.
Example.
Your child will mirror your values and your
actions if he respects you. No aspect of parenting is more important than
example. Be assured that you will not succeed in any element of training
that does not reflect your own behavior.
Good fortune.
"The race is not to the
swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to
the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all."
(Eccl. 9:11) There are no guarantees in life; we may do our very best as
parents and still our children may disappoint us. But you can be sure that
without conscientious and disciplined effort, disappointment is certain.
2. What are some of the
factors and conditions that get in the way of success?
Competition.
After age 5-6, messages from peers, the
media, and even teachers will often compete with yours. By that time you
should have thoroughly established yourselves as good examples and as the voices
of authority so that those competing messages carry as little influence as
possible. But don't forget that you have every right to protect and shield
your child from influences that are clearly negative. While they are
"children" it's foolishness to ask them to know the difference between good
messages and bad. That's your job!
Not being there.
Fewer and fewer families today enjoy the
luxury and blessing of a home where the mother is able to be at home with her
children. Very often the job of child-rearing must be turned over to
someone else for at least some portion of the day. When that becomes a
necessity, the parenting responsibility requires that very careful consideration
be given to the choosing of a care-giver who will support, not undo, your
efforts.
Stress.
Juggling too many responsibilities interferes
with focus on the family. With two parents struggling to maintain jobs and
a home, nerves and tempers are easily stretched to the breaking point by evening
when the children come into the picture. The subtle message that children
can't avoid receiving is that they really aren't very important.
Bad genes.
Yes, it is possible to inherit traits that
make life extra difficult (and sometimes, extra easy) for parents.
Aggressiveness, willfulness, and mental and physical deficiencies all present
special challenges that require greater patience and, in many cases, help from
professionals. But don't let genes be a cop-out; remember that nature
responds to training.
False prophets.
In an age when we feel that science has, or
soon will have the answers to all our problems, it's easy, natural and extremely
common to look for the most reliable parenting guidance in those who hold Ph.D.
degrees rather than in a two- or three-thousand-year-old book such as the Bible.
But it's not hard for someone like me, who has lived long enough to see the
results of following the advice of some of those "false prophets," to know that
unless their teachings are compatible with that book, they're worthless.
Many psychologists today are reaching that same conclusion, so you can expect to
find some very sound counsel among the Ph.D.s if you search for it.
Selfishness.
Unfortunately, some parents know what they
should teach their children, but aren't willing to make the sacrifice in their
own behavior or habits to model those values themselves. Years ago, I was
able to conquer the smoking addiction simply because I knew it was foolishness
to expect my boys to stay away from cigarettes if I couldn't. I'm thankful
that none of them took up that health-destroying habit.
Marital conflicts.
When husbands and wives can't agree on the
course their parenting efforts should take, the children are the losers.
When the ones they should respect above all others are at odds about the rules,
the standards and the enforcement, children have no way of sorting out the right
course, and the result is confusion and insecurity. Each parent must
support the decisions and authority of the other, so spend some time discussing
your policies privately, then follow an accepted course, even if you can't reach
full agreement. Never dramatize your disagreements in front of your child.
Misplaced forbearance.
Tender hearted, compassionate parents are
often unable to bear seeing their child in pain, even when that pain is clearly
needed for training. For these parents, imposing punishment is out of the
question. Their resulting permissiveness leads to the child's insecurity,
self-centeredness and ultimately to an inability to cope with real world
relationships.
Misplaced attention.
It's not unusual for one or both parents to
be excessively devoted to a child, typically the first, focusing loving and
constant attention on him and quickly responding to every whimper. The
child soon learns that he is the sole occupant of the center of the universe and
begins life with an inordinate sense of self-importance. Sometimes the
devotion is shown by only one parent as a reaction to a perception that the
other party is too strict or too harsh toward the child. This can be an
especially serious problem because it produces a sense of rejection in the
"strict" parent and may lead to even harsher treatment of the child.
In today's culture a great
deal of rhetoric has been devoted to the subject of parents needing to spend
more time with their children. Indeed, that is a problem, simply because
there isn't much time available for families to behave as families at all. But
the burden of guilt that has been placed on parents has caused some to feel that
their first responsibility is to their children. Not so! A husband's first
responsibility is to his wife and hers is to him. In Genesis 2:23-24, the text
defines the relationship between a husband and his wife: The man said,
"This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called
'woman,' for she was taken out of man." For this reason a man will leave his
father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
The responsibility of husband to wife and wife to husband supersedes all
other relationships. We are stewards of our children, but only for a time; God
made the bond between spouses permanent.
CONCLUSION
:
Success in parenting depends on many
factors, but the most important is reliance on the word of God for direction.
Article
Four: Preparing the ground.
(See the parable of
the sower, Mt. 13:8, at the end of this lesson.)
Discipline - -the foundation for
learning.
1. What does "preparing the
ground" have to do with parenting?
In the parable of the
sower, Jesus illustrates how different types of people will respond to the "sowing"
of the gospel message. He teaches that the only long-lasting, productive
response will come when the seed falls on "good soil." Of course,
farmers and even back yard gardeners know that good soil doesn't just happen; it
requires careful, planned preparation and diligent effort. Parenting is like
that, too. The seed of your instruction, no matter how wise and
well-intentioned, won't have long-lasting results unless your child is first
taught to respect the sower. Discipline provides the preparation you
need to make your teaching effective. This is the underlying message of
Proverbs 29:15: "The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but the child left
to himself disgraces his mother."
2. Why has the word
“discipline” taken on such an ugly image?
The founders of our nation
would be amazed to see how far we have extended the principle they knew as
"freedom." In fact, today there are few aspects of our personal lives over
which we accept any control at all. Our individual rights allow us the freedom
to "express ourselves" by going naked in public, by using obscene language in
the media, and by distributing pornography in the name of art. Discipline is
acceptable only if it is self-imposed. To discipline another person is to
restrict his rights, and that implies the forced subordination of his will to
yours; attempt that and you better be ready to hire a lawyer! For some parents
today there is even a reluctance to restrict the behavior of their own children,
simply because they feel that to do so would violate their rights. Using
physical means to enforce rules would be unthinkable. Yes, to some,
discipline has become a dirty word, and parents who recognize their
God-given responsibility to use it often find themselves on the defensive.
3. What does the Bible teach
about parental discipline?
When we read the vivid language
of Proverbs 22:15, "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child but the rod
of discipline will drive it far from him," the picture that comes to
mind isn't pleasant. But I'm sure what the writer had in mind wasn't brutality
- - a responsible parent disciplines lovingly, not harshly - - and the "rod"
equates to a spanking with an open hand (or, as my wife found effective, a
fly-swatter). The point is that discipline and discomfort are inseparable and
necessary ingredients in the training process.
In the New Testament there
is a passage that clearly describes the relationship between love, discipline
and punishment as they apply to parenting: (Hebrews 12:6-9)". . . the
Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.
. . . For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined
(and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not
true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we
respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our
spirits and live!" Yes, it's true, discipline is painful, but
children respect parents who love them enough to apply it.
4. How does discipline
increase the effectiveness of instruction?
I once happened to observe a
young mother with her two small children as they walked from a building toward a
parking lot. The mother, carrying the smaller child in her arms, was concerned
about the older one's safety and screamed at him repeatedly to stop as he ran happily toward their car. But he just laughed and ran on, completely ignoring
her orders as if they were playing some sort of game. Fortunately, there was no
sad ending to the scene, only frustration for a mother who had not learned that
discipline has to be established before instruction can be effective.
My great-great-grandmother,
Lydia Lever, was a Sunday School teacher in England when she was seventeen. In
her teacher's manual I found this instruction: “Always maintain a
powerful control over your scholars; and on no account allow any child to
disobey you; to submit to this would be to slacken the reins of authority, and
to encourage disorder and confusion. Harshness is not necessary, but decided
firmness is indispensable.” The world has changed since those words
were written in 1829, but discipline is still the foundation for instruction.
If you don't have the respect of your children, you can't expect to teach them.
In my early
years I was a rather active kid and enjoyed such pursuits as making toy soldiers
from molten lead and creating incendiaries with my chemistry outfit; exciting
and educational hobbies that aren't available to our much-protected youth today.
One day at the age of eight, I decided to conduct an experiment with a .22
caliber bullet on a gas range we had in our basement. Placing the bullet
upright over a moderate flame, I took cover and waited anxiously to see what
would happen. It didn't take long. After the explosion I carefully
examined the basement ceiling directly above the range, expecting to find a hole
or at least a mark where the bullet had struck. I found neither, and never
even located the bullet.
So what does that story have
to do with parenting? I was too young to appreciate it at the time, but the
explosive power of the gunpowder in a bullet's shell has to be concentrated
(focused) on the projectile or there won't be much force available to drive it.
That's the purpose of a gun barrel. When a bullet is fired from a gun barrel,
all the power of the propellant is directed against the bullet and the barrel's
aim sends it speeding to the target. My bullet had no barrel, so who knows
where it went! In parenting, discipline plays the role of a gun barrel for
the driving force of parental instruction. Disciple allows your instruction
to be focused so you can have a reasonable chance for success. And don't
forget, the gun barrel does its job early; the bullet goes most of the way to
the target on its own.
5. How are discipline and
punishment related?
The clear and consistent threat of punishment
produces respect for the authority of the one who administers it. This in
turn permits focusing on the primary objective: instruction. No loving
parent enjoys having to punish a child, but few realize how important it is to
be firm and consistent early in the process so it won't be required very often.
When a child learns that punishment for infractions is certain, the frequency of
infractions (and punishment, of course) drops dramatically. Because
children are children and memories are short, there will always be slip-ups, but
you can be assured that effective discipline does not require continual,
never-ending conflict during the childhood years if you, as parents, discipline
yourselves to be firm and consistent.
Punishment
is intended to be motivation for obedience. Another motivator that has its
place in parenting is reward. But be aware that while rewarding a child is
useful and effective for teaching the value of working hard to reach a goal, it
does nothing to promote respect for your authority. A parent who tries to
inspire good behavior by offering tempting incentives makes himself feel noble,
but the child will give him no more respect than he gives Santa Claus.
6. What is the best method
of punishment?
The best method of
punishment is the one that is most effective with the least harshness. When
the time for punishment arrives, the parent must exercise God-given common sense
and compassion while keeping clearly in mind what he is trying to accomplish and
why this moment is important for both parties. That means he must be in control
of himself. Common sense, compassion and reason are not qualities of an
enraged parent. I believe that a parent can feel anger as a result of a
child's disobedience and still retain his self control; but rage is another
matter. To punish while in a state of uncontrolled fury risks doing serious
physical and emotional harm to the child and may justify a charge of child
abuse. (It will almost certainly also have serious consequences for the
marriage.) If it is your nature to lose control of yourself under any
circumstances you need help, possibly professional help; don't wait till
someone you love is hurt.
When
administering punishment, factors such as the child’s age, his nature, and the
severity and frequency of the offense will come into play. A parent
quickly learns that one child may be sensitive and easily intimidated, while
another responds only to strong measures. Act accordingly; don't be
tougher than you need to be to make your point. Both corporal and
restrictive methods have their places in the parent’s list of options, but keep
in mind that restriction will be most effective in the later stages of
childhood.
Realize that when you punish
you are punishing because of disobedience, not simply for the
particular infraction of the moment. For example, when your child fails to obey
an instruction to be quiet in church, you punish him because he disobeyed,
not merely because he created a disturbance. While he should learn to be
especially well-behaved in that setting, you need to be able to require
obedience in any setting - - at your discretion - - without having to explain
your reasons. Unquestioned obedience comes only when you have instilled respect
for your authority; that's what punishment is all about!
CONCLUSION
Responsible, loving parents
who intend to teach their children appropriate behavior and a value system that
will carry them safely through life must understand the importance of preparing
their charges so that their training can be effective and enduring. This means
establishing, at an early age, a high level of respect for your authority.
Discipline, the process of firmly and consistently punishing disobedience,
is necessary for establishing that respect.
The Parable of the Sower, Matthew 13:3-8
A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was
scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it
up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up
quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants
were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell
among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on
good soil, where it produced a crop--a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was
sown.
New International Version
|
Just as a good farmer prepares
the soil in order to produce a good harvest, prudent parents will discipline
their children so their instruction will be effective. |
Article
Five: A balanced
approach to discipline.
In control, but keeping your
cool.
Ask any experienced,
successful parent about discipline and you're likely to get this response:
You have to be balanced; not too strict and not too permissive. It's
just plain common sense. Parenting is not the place for extremes, because at
one end of the scale you have failed in your responsibility to train, while at
the other you have failed to demonstrate the compassion and tolerance that go
with realizing that children are children; they love, they feel, they
react and they learn; they're not machines or computers. Let your heart and
your mind work together, not alternately, as you
respond to your parenting responsibilities.
1. When in the child’s life
should discipline begin?
Your effort to discipline
your child should begin as soon as he can relate the discipline to his actions.
Let me explain. When a child is born, nature goes all-out with one objective in
mind: survival. That tiny little bundle of joy can do absolutely nothing for
itself, it must depend on others, and of course, that means Mama. But to
insure that Mama responds effectively, nature has provided two strong motivating
forces: deep and selfless love in the mother, and in the child, the intense,
demanding, ear-grating noise known as crying. Together, these produce quick
solutions to all the child's problems and survival is assured.
During this period, a very
natural training process is going on - - the infant is instinctively struggling
to gain and maintain control over his environment; it is training its parents.
The child learns that its screams will produce results - - attention, at the
very least - - and uses that method to communicate as long as it's effective.
This is a process which some parents fail to recognize, and one that is often
allowed to continue far too long. (We've all observed children who are quite
capable of speaking, yet whine or grunt insistently till they get what they
want.)
So after that necessary,
initial period of infancy when responding to the immediate needs of the baby is
vitally important, there should be, and normally is, a transition toward
establishing parental control. This is a gradual process that begins quite
simply when a mother realizes, usually from the tone of the child's crying, that
her chain is being pulled and decides to let the little one start to learn who's
going to be in charge. At this point, deliberately showing loving, playful
attention when the child is not being demanding will help to teach
the child that it can be comfortable and secure without being ugly. Now you
have begun to discipline, that is, to show that you, not the child, are in the
driver's seat. Simple techniques such as using a disapproving tone of voice or
putting the child down when the fussing begins can continue the process
effectively, long before physical methods become appropriate.
2. Doesn’t discipline mean
there will be a constant battle with the child?
Fortunately for parents, there
are two factors that work to prevent on-going strife. The first is that the
child, under normal circumstances, wants to be in good favor with his parents.
Second, the child is not stupid - - he will quickly learn that obedience results
in a higher level of personal comfort. This means that the frequency of
punishment diminishes rapidly and should become extremely rare when the parents
understand and apply the basics of successful discipline: firmness and
consistency.
Unfortunately, too many
parents fail to apply discipline with firmness and consistency, so the child
gets mixed messages and a feeling of uncertainty about his boundaries. The
result is a constant, on-going war which leads to exasperation on both sides.
Remember, you the parents must be disciplined to act responsibly every
time before you can expect to instill respect, obedience and security
in your children.
3. Won’t firm discipline
alienate the child from his parents?
Yes, you can be sure that
punishing in anger and without forgiveness, mercy, understanding and love will
alienate and exasperate the child. But demonstrate those qualities and you will
gain both his love and respect as you bring him up in the training and
instruction of the Lord! (See Ephesians 6:4, Lesson 3.)
The
difference between vengeful punishment and punishing that is motivated by love
and a desire to train is easy for a child to recognize, and the effects are
exactly opposite. So in order to be certain that there is no
misunderstanding, some parents make a point of coolly, patiently and
deliberately explaining the reason for the action before applying "the rod of
discipline."
4. Consider the involvement
of emotion and reason in the discipline process.
The writer of Proverbs 23:13 ("Do
not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will
not die.") understood the dilemma confronted by most parents when they
face the responsibility to discipline. Our hearts tell us we love and forgive
the child, but our minds tell us that a lesson must be taught. He counsels that
we must be firm, even though the lesson is painful for both parties.
5. Are there some basic
rules for keeping the respect of my children?
Absolutely! Of course, the
first rule is to be firm and consistent as you establish and enforce rules.
The second is to be respectable in your behavior; this means showing confidence
and fairness. The third rule is very often neglected by parents because
they don't realize its importance: Parents must never permit their
children to show disrespect by hitting, talking back, or by responding to an
instruction with a "no" or a "why?" To allow a display of disrespect, even
when the child does it in a playful way, cannot be tolerated.
Parents who begin very early
to consistently punish acts of disrespect are not likely to have to deal with
the scourge of parenthood, the tantrum. Such displays of temper are far
more likely where parents have failed to be firm and consistent about
discipline. But if a tantrum does occur, be certain that you do not yield in
any way, and that the child is immediately isolated until he returns to normal.
At that point it will be prudent to spank or restrict the child in such a way
that your message is clear: This kind of behavior is unacceptable and will
not be tolerated.
6. What about making rules?
For best results, make only those
rules that are necessary for training and keeping the peace within the family.
Make as few as possible and repeal the ones that don't work but, above all,
enforce the rules you establish! Children gain a sense of security from
knowing what's expected of them and what the boundaries are, but too many "no"
answers enforced with due strictness can lead to exasperation and fear.
CONCLUSION
Prudent parents recognize that their
stewardship calls for “preparation of the soil” if they are going to reap a
harvest of family peace and harmony and produce a son or daughter who is well
grounded for a godly life, ready to carry on the values transfer process to the
next generation. That preparation requires the early administration of
discipline with firmness and consistency, so that the instructional process can
be carried out effectively.
Article
Six:
The values transfer
process.
Will your children live
by the standards
you live by?
About ten years ago I
suddenly developed a strong interest in family history. Since then, many hours
in courthouses and libraries have produced lots of names, places and dates, and,
in a few cases, homely details that reveal images of flesh-and-blood
characters. While neither notoriety nor nobility has shown up among my
forbears, there is a clear pattern of belief in the god of the Bible and of
diligent effort to improve one's lot in life -- characteristics that are shared
by most of those who made their way from Europe to America. Those are among the
many virtues that have been passed on from generation to generation. But today,
sociologists are questioning whether the natural process through which this
transfer of values has always occurred may now be threatened by new, powerful
influences in our culture; children may no longer adopt the standards of their
parents as a matter of course. As responsible parents, your job is to see to it
that the values you believe in are transferred to your children.
Achieving that goal may require special effort.
1. What are the
characteristics of our culture that you feel are badly in need of change?
America has become a world leader in
divorce, crime, drug and alcohol abuse, materialism, lack of civility in
behavior, speech, music, entertainment and dress. Lack of integrity and
racial intolerance at all levels of our society are serious and growing
problems. We seem to be living in a world that a New Testament writer
described nearly two thousand years ago:
. . . There will be
terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers
of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful,
unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal,
not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure
rather than lovers of God-- having a form of godliness but denying its power.
. .
(2 Tim. 3:1-5. New International Version)
2. What do you see as the
principal causes of these cultural deficiencies?
There are many causes that can be
cited, but three seem to stand out. First is that what we know as "the
media" is unregulated, profit-driven and extremely influential; they feel no
responsibility for the social consequences of their activities. Second,
technological progress has opened the way for a two-worker economy, reducing the
influence of parents on the family. And third, in an increasingly urban
and sophisticated society, accountability to the community or to a higher
authority is no longer a significant influence on behavior.
3. How are you going to
combat these forces in your family?
The only weapons available to
parents for countering the destructive forces that are at work to destroy
families are discipline, instruction and example. By establishing
respect for your authority, teaching the principles you believe in, and
demonstrating that you actually live by those principles, you will have done all
you can to prepare your child for life. Of course, this is a rather simplistic
statement that addresses an enormously important and complex set of issues. But
the fact is that in the early years of your child's life, you passively (by
example) and actively (by instruction) establish in him an attitude toward such
things as religion, drugs, divorce, etc., which determines how he will respond
to them many years later.
You should instill an
awareness of “being different” (not better) and not like the rest
of world. Teach him that you march to a different drummer, the God of the
Bible. Be an active, regular member of your local congregation. Make devotion
to God a vital and visible part of your family life. Many families establish
regular times to be together for Bible reading and prayer as a means of building
a consciousness of their proper relationship with God.
One of the most important
policy decisions parents are faced with relates to television; should we
simply pull the plug, or should we develop a plan that will protect our child
from the bad and yet let him enjoy and learn from the good? Many parents are
taking the first approach and completely eliminating TV from their home
environments. I think you should give serious consideration to doing just
that. Try it out for a few months to test the results. The positive effects,
such as developing closer family relationships and stimulating creativity in the
child, are obvious. You may find that it opens a brand new world.
Without solid data to back
me up, I suspect that limited exposure to morally corrupting television
messages will have little impact on a child under six. This means that when you
establish a policy that puts restrictions in place during those early years, the
real benefit will come later, when the child is more apt to be susceptible to
believing that TV represents the real world.
But there
is another, more subtle effect of prolonged TV watching that is starting to
concern professional educators. We've all observed a steady decrease in
the length of time an image remains on the television screen, especially in
movies, cartoons and commercials. Constant exposure to these fleeting
pictures may be producing a generation of children whose attention span is
severely limited, with serious consequences for classroom learning ability.
Whatever
you decide to do about the TV issue, you can be certain that your own watching
habits will have more impact on your child's attitude than any policy you may
establish. If Mom lives on a steady diet of "soap," she shouldn't expect
to be successful trying to teach her children that TV is harmful to moral
health.
4. What must you teach now
to avoid the factors listed above (No. 1) being exhibited by your children?
Divorce - Try to model
the “ideal” family relationships in your family (Eph. 5:22-6:4, Lesson 3.) so
that your children see marriage in a positive light. Teach them the nature and
permanence of the marriage commitment by your example and your instruction.
Crime - Show that you
respect the authority of the law. Instill in your child a sensitivity for the
feelings and rights of others. Point out to them the human consequences of
criminal acts -- the pain, the loss and the suffering that they cause.
Drugs/alcohol/tobacco
- As early as possible, instill ardent fear of these agents; teach your children
how they can destroy life. Explain the meaning of “addiction” and show how
easily these substances can take control of a person.
Materialism - Avoid
the excessive use of “things” as rewards, goals and objectives. Teach your
children that happiness is derived from relationships, worth and service, not
from possessions. Encourage and display concern for those less fortunate and
let them see that you are willing to share.
Carefully
consider your family’s approach to Christmas gift giving. We live in an
affluent society where most parents find themselves financially able and willing
to inundate their children with toys and games in an annual orgy of indulgence.
It seems that they do this knowing all the while that it's wrong and that it
doesn't produce the joy and gratitude that they intend. Grandparents
recognize the problem, too, but usually fall right in step with the parents.
If you want to break the cycle - - and you should - - start now with a plan to
make Christmas mean something besides materialistic madness!
Civility - Display
and require respect, politeness and courtesy in all dealings within the family.
This means that Mom and Dad are careful to say please, thank you and may
I? to each other and that they require the same from their children.
Place proper emphasis on manners, speech and dress; they offer
opportunities to bring honor or dishonor to God, to the family and to the
child. Don't feel that your child has a right to dress or style his hair
any way he pleases; teach him that there are standards that apply to your family
that may not be those of his peers.
Integrity - You are
the example of integrity for your child; never deceive him and never let him see
you twisting the truth in your dealings with others. Practice what you teach.
Keep your word.
Intolerance - Display
respect for all people, regardless of race or station in life. Instill a
sensitivity for the feelings and rights of others.
CONCLUSION
The values you hold to be important will
not be transferred to your children without conscious effort on your part.
To be successful, you must not only display those values in yourselves, but you
must also work diligently to make your training more effective than the media
and the cultural influences which are in direct competition with yours. An
active, visible resolve to live according to the standards provided by God is
essential.
Article
Seven: Putting it all together 
A framework to build on.
If you have been with me
through the previous six lessons of this series, you have observed that I
emphasized the importance of your attitude toward the parenting job. I have
tried to stress that you should be aware of the far-reaching influence of what
you do today, in these first critical years, and that you need to
get started right, so you can avoid serious problems later. You can begin
now to establish the pattern that will make the difficult teen years
less difficult and you can expect that generations yet unborn will be influenced
to follow your lead.
1. What are your objectives
in parenting?
The home doesn't need to be a
battleground for parents; instead, it ought to be where you are most
comfortable. You should expect that your parenting efforts can make it a
place where love, joy, peace and harmony are the rule, not the exception --
where you can take pride in your children and enjoy being with them.
Your
children should benefit directly from your efforts, too, of course. Their
world should become a secure one in which they know their limits and look to
their parents as providers, protectors and teachers, not tyrants. Your
training can be expected to lead to harmony with their peers and, ultimately,
with the one they choose as a lifetime companion.
Your success as parents can
also benefit God. He asks only one thing of us, that is, that we honor Him. By
rearing your children in "the fear of the Lord" you will have
accomplished that objective.
2. What are the two basic
elements of successful parenting over which you have control?
A newborn that arrives on the
scene is a lot like a computer that is waiting to have programs added to its
memory so that it can perform tasks and react to inputs. It comes with an
operating system consisting of genes and DNA (over which you had no control)
which will determine to a great extent how the child responds to the two
elements of parenting that are your responsibility: instruction and
example. Every minute detail of your interaction with the infant - -
holding, touching, cooing, speaking and smiling -- is essential to the unseen
wiring process that's going on inside its brain. That process will continue at
an incredible rate throughout the early years, producing a unique individual,
but one who will be largely a product of your instruction and example.
He will then go on to apply those learned characteristics as he interacts with
the world for the rest of his life. Your challenge, of course, is to provide
the kind of teaching and example that will give him the preparation he needs to
make that interaction a positive, productive, happy experience.
3. Why is your spousal
relationship so basic to your success as parents?
In the tiny world of a very young
child, parents are by far the most visible players. They provide virtually
the only illustration of inter-personal relationships the child will be exposed
to (unless day-care enters the picture). You are models for the qualities that
your child will emulate, such as respect, compassion, kindness, civility,
marital faithfulness, etc. It's obvious that those characteristics need to
be present in your marriage when the child gets his first introduction to how
humans are supposed to interact.
Discipline,
the foundation for effective instruction, is often a source of conflict between
husband and wife. Rarely is there full, enthusiastic agreement on the
subject; one party will almost always tend to be more tender-hearted and
permissive than the other. That's normal and may be quite healthy.
But open disagreements that can be observed by the child are extremely
counterproductive and he will quickly learn to exploit them, playing one parent
against the other to his own advantage. Parents must learn to support one
another even when they don't fully agree on a particular course of action.
Try to resolve your differences in private discussion so the child isn't
confused.
4. What is the primary
purpose of discipline?
Responsible parents will understand
that discipline is necessary to produce respect for their authority and, in
turn, to make their instruction effective. Children who display no respect
for the authority of their parents will feel free to do as they please and
ignore instructions. Of course, this leaves parents in the role of
providers and protectors only, precluding their success as productive stewards.
5. What are the secondary
benefits of good discipline?
In addition to the basic objective
of making instruction effective, discipline leads to a sense of security for the
child. Having a clear understanding of boundaries and limits to his
behavior instills confidence and peace of mind. An obvious further benefit
is a reduction in stress and conflict within the family.
6. In order to be effective,
how must discipline (punishment) be administered?
Most parents realize that
punishing their child is a necessary and unavoidable part of their
responsibility. But few are able to appreciate the importance of being firm and
consistent. They fail to understand that a pattern of laxity when they feel
good and harshness when they're up tight sends a confusing message to the
child. Remember that the certainty of punishment for acts of
disobedience and disrespect will quickly reduce their frequency. Don't practice
"snooze alarm discipline" - - waiting till the aggravation is
overpowering and then reacting with an angry swat. Treat punishment as an act
of responsibility while showing self-control, love and forgiveness. By all
means, avoid continually slapping, shaking and jerking as a regular part of your
interaction with your children. This is the type of parental irresponsibility
that results in violent behavior in the child and totally defeats the objective
of instilling respect for your authority!
7. What are the most
important, basic principles for effective parenting?
1. Parents must show honor
and respect for God, for each other and for the child.
Make home devotionals, church
participation, civility in spousal relationships and patience in training
priorities in your lives.
2. Parents should openly
demonstrate love and affection for each other and for the child.
Be demonstrative in showing
affection to, and in front of, your child.
3. Parents must never
tolerate disobedience or disrespect from their child.
This includes striking or talking
back to the parent. Make no exceptions. Be firm and consistent.
4. Never overrule your
spouse’s instruction. An absolute no-no! Parents must be
seen by the child to be in full agreement.
5. Instill respect for all
authorities.
In the early years, you are the
principal authorities, but when the time comes for school, uphold the authority
of your child’s teachers even if you don't agree with them.
6. By example and
instruction, teach your child righteousness, justice and mercy.
Be and teach all you want your
child to be.
CONCLUSION
In this brief series of lessons
you have been introduced to the fundamentals of a process that is much like
building a house. It begins with a solid foundation of Biblical truth and faith
in the Creator who charges you with the responsibility to train your child in
the way he should go. But the few hours we have spent together have allowed
us to provide only a framework on which to build, to provide a consciousness of
the principles that should guide parents as they mold a life that will bring
honor to themselves and to God. Fulfillment of that charge depends, in part, on
how you face the challenges in the years ahead, but adherence to these basics
will make success more certain. Make a commitment today to build on this
framework and God will bless your house for generations to come.
This Article was taken from
www.upamerica.org It has been modified from its original format, you can see
the original article with all of the author's graphics and formatting at this
link:
http://www.upamerica.org/Course.htm
