Pastor Dan Erickson, http://www.life.1stbaptist.org
Sermon Text: Ephesians 6:1-4

 July 11, 1999

 One Saturday a young mother left her two preschool boys at home under the care of their dad while she attended a workshop. Nine hours later, she returned and gently asked her husband, "Did everything go OK?" Trying to hide his total exhaustion, dad replied, "Oh sure, it was fine." "Did you have any trouble?" she explored. "Well, there were just a couple of times when the boys were really out of hand, but we survived." "When were those couple of times?" his wife asked. Finally her husband confessed, "Well, the first time was the four hours after you left, and the second time was the five hours before you came home."

            Friends, Brock has reminded me that caring for preschoolers is not always an easy task. But being a parent is never an easy job, no matter what ages our children are. Six-year-olds, 16-year-olds, and 36-year-olds can all provide plenty of challenges for mom and dad. Parenting requires lots of energy and lots of wisdom. Often, we as parents ask ourselves, "Am I really doing this the right way?" I like the cartoon which shows a dad with a deep frown, looking at his son's rather sub-par report card. Junior says, "So, dad, do you think it is because of environment, or heredity?" As someone has said, "The frightening thing about heredity and environment is that we, as parents, provide both." Like it or not, we have a big impact on our children's lives. And, guess what, children have a huge effect on their parents' lives. Our kids, whether they are 6 or 46 years of age, have the power to bring a lot of joy or a lot of pain into our lives. Today as we continue our journey through the Book of Ephesians, we come to Chapter 6:1-4. Through the apostle Paul, God reveals how we can develop happy and healthy relationships between parents and children. Now, I know this sounds too good to be true to some of you. But, let's pray that God would use His Word to encourage and help those of us who are parents, who are children, or who are both.

            Paul begins by giving instructions to children. Ephesians 6:1,2 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother" -- which is the first commandment with a promise -- In our day there is a lot of talk about children's rights. Paul believes children have rights and responsibilities. Two of the responsibilities are to obey and to honor parents. If there is going to be a good relationship between a parent and a child, the child has a very important role to play. Children, your decision whether or not you are going to honor and obey your parents has a very big effect on your family.

            The first responsibility that Paul refers to is "Children, obey your parents." This basically means to do what you are told. When mom or dad asks you to do something, you do it or, as we say in our house, "Obey quickly and quietly." Now, one question which pops up right away is this: Who does Paul consider to be a child? Does he mean everyone? None of us is the product of spontaneous combustion. We all have, or have had, two parents. Are we supposed to obey them forever, as long as they live? Or when he uses the term children, does he mean boys and girls under the age of 12? After all, in Jewish society, a boy is considered a man at that age. In other words, at what point are we no longer under our parents' authority? Well, those of you who are married are part of a new family, which consists of your spouse and any children you may have. One of the commands God gives us is that when we marry, we leave our father and mother and become united with our spouse. A husband or wife no longer has an obligation to obey his or her parents. If you are single, but no longer dependent on your parents, then this command to obey them probably does not apply to you either. Some of you are in a twilight zone, maybe you are 19, living at home and going to college. Your parents have a tough time knowing whether to treat you like a child or an adult. Now, there are all sorts of exceptions, but my basic rule would be this: If your mom and dad are supporting you financially, then you should accept their authority. If you don't want to do that, then you probably had better be willing to pay your own bills.

            Next question: Are parents to be obeyed when they are wrong? What if they ask me to rob a bank? You know, I have had numerous teenagers ask that question, but have never met anyone whose parents actually told them to do that. It is still a valid question, though. Paul's instructions are given to a Christian family. He doesn't expect that Christian parents are going to tell their child to rob anything. Paul commands "obedience in the Lord." God's authority is always above mom's and dad's. Now, when a child is a believer in Christ and his or her parents are not, difficult situations can develop. As much as possible, Christian children should obey their non-Christian parents. They should only disobey when they are certain what their parents have asked them to do is against what God teaches in His Word, the Bible.

            What about teenagers? Let me say a few words to those of you who fit that description. Maybe at this time you don't feel like obeying your parents. Perhaps they want you in bed by 8 p.m., won't let you date until you are 30 years old, and forbid you from doing anything that is fun. They make Cinderella's stepmother look like an angel. To be honest, I've talked to some parents who I think have very unrealistic rules for their children. But, so what? As a Christian teen, as a follower of Jesus Christ, you need to obey your parents. You need to do that, not because they are always right, but because that is the responsibility God has given you. You can try to reason with your parents and explain why you think things should be done differently, but it is still your job to obey.

            The second instruction Paul gives to children is "honor your parents." Ephesians 6:2,3 "Honor your father and mother" -- which is the first commandment with a promise -- "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." This is a lifetime responsibility. When you are ten years old, honor basically equals obey. As children get older, move out on their own, and are no longer under their parents' authority, they are not required to obey, but they still must honor their parents. You might be 50 years old, you have been totally independent of your parents for 30 years, maybe they live a thousand miles away, but they are still your parents, and you still need to honor them. Maybe your dad abandoned you and your mom 25 years ago, but you still need to honor him. Perhaps your parents are not Christians, and they don't understand why you go to church every Sunday. Jesus said following Him may cause conflicts with them, but you still need to honor them. Maybe your mom or dad have been dead and buried for 20 years, you still need to honor them.

            What does it mean to "honor" parents? It involves respect and acknowledging their position as parents. It may mean telling them you realize that even though they are not perfect parents, you have benefited greatly from their care and support. It probably involves sending Mother's Day and Father's Day cards. Sometimes Hallmark does have good ideas. Tragically, we live in a society where people, even Christians, sometimes treat parents very poorly, especially as they get older. There are horrifying stories about people who abuse an elderly mom or dad. I see folks in the nursing home who say their children never come to visit. Back when I was in college, I saw a little movie called Peeg. It was about a woman living in a nursing home. Her children and grandchildren came to visit regularly, but only one of them, a teenage grandson, really takes time to talk and listen to Peeg. In the New Testament, and in most times of history, caring for older parents was not the job of the government, but the responsibility of the family. Now, I'm not saying it is wrong to use government services. In many cases, putting a parent in a good nursing home is the right decision. But, as Christians, we should be caring for our elderly parents in a way that astounds the rest of society. I congratulate many of you in this room because I see you honoring your parents. And, friends, God promises that if you obey this command, you will be rewarded, in both the quality and quantity of life. Just this week I heard that people who go to church regularly live on an average of 20 years longer than people who don't. Maybe it is because they honor their parents more.

            Friends, I think it would be good for all of us to evaluate our relationship with our parents. Have we been honoring them? Children, have you been obeying your parents? If we have not been doing so, we need to recognize that this is sin and we need to confess it to the Lord. Please remember, no matter how terrible of a child you have been, God offers us free and full forgiveness through Jesus Christ. And then we need to ask God to help us in making changes and taking action so that we might honor and obey our parents. I encourage you to do that today.

            Of course, it takes more than children honoring parents to make a healthy and happy family. Paul has instructions to parents as well. Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Being a good parent involves a difficult balancing act. We must not exasperate our children, but we must train them. We need to express our love to them, but still provide discipline. We need to give them freedom to grow and learn, but still protect them. Now, friends, I'm not an expert on parenting. I probably knew (or thought I knew) a lot more about this topic twelve years ago, before Ben was born. But, the Lord gives some very clear instructions.

            First, He says, "Parents, love your children." Specifically do not over-discipline and exasperate them. Too much of the wrong kind of discipline frustrates a child and makes him or her think: "It's impossible to please my mom and dad, so I'm not going to even try." I think Paul realizes that fathers, especially, need to be careful that we don't become overbearing in our discipline. Now, some of you kids may think any type of discipline is too much, but that is not true. Children need to have parents who are willing to correct them. Yet, there are homes, even Christian homes, where over-discipline occurs. Now, I believe that spanking children, especially when they are young, can be an appropriate part of discipline. Remember what the Lord tells us in Proverbs 13:24 He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him. Sparing the rod often results in spoiling the child. But, physical abuse, beating a child of any age, is a sin and detestable to God. It should never happen in a Christian home. If it is happening at your house, it needs to stop, right now, for good.

            There are other ways we can exasperate our children beside over-discipline. We exasperate our children when we make unreasonable rules for them. Our kids become exasperated when we put too much pressure on them to excel in school or athletics. That is one I have worked on. A few years ago I realized that during Saturday morning basketball here in Chisholm, Ben was very happy because he was having fun playing a game, and I was frustrated because I did not think he was doing everything right on the court. I decided that was pretty stupid, and I'm trying to keep perspective. We exasperate our children when we don't allow them to become more independent as they grow older. If a 15-year-old child has the same rules as he or she did at age 10, or at age 5, there will be frustration. We exasperate our kids when we overreact and over-punish. A teen who is three minutes late for curfew should not be grounded for three months. We exasperate our child when instead of giving clear "yes" or "no" answers, we say "maybe" or "later." Ogden Nash said, "A child need never be very clever, to learn that 'later, dear' means 'never.'"

            Children who become exasperated are damaged. Their love for their parents is diminished, they become bitter and their relationship with God is harmed because of the bitterness. Some of us parents may have embittered our children. Maybe last night we lost our temper with our seven-year-old son, or maybe 35 years ago we were terribly unfair to our daughter. Friends, if we are guilty of something like that, we need to realize it is sin, and we need to confess it to the Lord. We also need to remember that no matter how bad a parent we have been, through Jesus Christ God freely and fully forgives us. But we also need to let our children, whatever age they may be, know that we wronged them, we need to apologize, and we need to affirm that we really do love them. Maybe we need to make a phone call, or write a letter or an e-mail this afternoon. Parents, if we have exasperated or embittered our children, we need to try to reconcile with them.

            Paul also tells parents, "Discipline your children." We need to help children learn to do what is right. Remember how Paul puts it in 6:4 ...do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. In our society, and maybe in our church, there are parents who think they love their children, but who fail to discipline them. Their idea of loving their children is to give them whatever they want, whenever they want. That is tragic. Failure to discipline children is a form of child abuse. Kids who never get disciplined have all sorts of problems. But there are parents who refuse to help their children learn to do what is right. Anytime their child gets into a conflict, they insist it had to be the other kid's fault, or the teacher's fault, because their son or daughter would never do anything like that. These parents may even give their children birth control and say, "If you are going to have sex, just make sure you don't get pregnant." Or they let them have unsupervised parties at the cabin and say, "If you are going to drink, just make sure you don't drive." As someone said, "It is amazing how some folks can trace their ancestors back for hundreds of years, but can't tell you where their children were last night." Why do parents fail to discipline their children? Sometimes they don't really care about their kids, don't really love them. Sometimes parents are unwilling to invest the time that good discipline requires. Sometimes one parent thinks it is the other parent's job to discipline. Sometimes they have picked up warped ideas about parenting from people like Dr. Benjamin Spock who, before he died, admitted that people who had followed his advice in the 60s and 70s had raised a bunch of brats. God has given parents the job of helping their children learn to do what is right.

            And, parents, if we provide good discipline, it is often appreciated. At the end of an episode of Leave It to Beaver, Ward would often give the Beav a lecture, and then Beaver would respond with something like, "Boy. Thanks, Dad. I guess I needed to learn that." That is true in real life as well. Kids want the security that comes from discipline. One survey of 12-year-old children found that 20% thought their parents were too strict, 35% thought things were about right, and 45% thought their parents were not strict enough. Now, children are not always thrilled about discipline. But the important question is not whether a child likes being disciplined now, but rather what they are going to think twenty years from now about the discipline their parents provided. Parents, if our discipline is fair and consistent, if we mean what we say, if we discipline not out of anger, but out of love, twenty years from now most of our children will thank us for the discipline we gave them.

            Friends, today's topic is important because almost all of us want to have a good relationship with our parents and/or children. Good relationships testify to the power of the Christian gospel. People are impressed by a happy, healthy Christian family. I'm convinced, however, that the foundation, the beginning of good family relationships, is a right relationship with God through Jesus Christ. Children are going to have a very tough time honoring and obeying their parents if they have never trusted in Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. Parents will find it a very difficult task to consistently love and discipline their children unless they are able to draw on the power of God's Spirit which is available to all who are believers in Jesus Christ. So, I believe the first step in being a good parent, the first step in being a good son or daughter, is to make certain we have come into a right relationship with God by trusting in Jesus Christ. Once we have done that, we need to ask the Lord to help us follow His instructions and do what parents and children are supposed to be doing.

            As the thunderstorm raged in the night, the little boy called out, "Daddy, come here. I'm scared." "Son," the father said, "God loves you and He will take care of you." "I know God loves me," the boy replied, "but right now I want someone with skin on to help me through this storm." Friends, we don't need anyone but God to make it through life. But if you are a parent, your children, no matter what age they are, could use someone with skin on, a mom or dad, to help them through the storms of life. And, friends, if your parents are still alive, they can use someone with skin on, a son or daughter, to encourage them in life's stormy times. May God help us to be parents and children who will honor Him and who will truly love each other, even when it is not an easy thing to do.

Copyright 1999 First Baptist Church Chisholm, MN.

Sermon notes are transcribed by a wonderful lady in our church on her trusty word processor. Please overlook any typographical errors that may have occurred during the file conversion.

  About this article: Pastor Dan Erikson of the first Baptist Church of Chisholm, Minnesota, is a wonderful writer on the subject of the family.  You may enjoy following the link below for a visit to his on- line Sermon Index to browse a wonderful collection of Biblically sound sermons on a variety of topics.